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Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages v.1

Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages v. 1
Several people choose to not go to college directly, whereas they spend a short time either traveling or working. While this trend has some disadvantages, I believe that it has more advantages. On the one hand, there are several drawbacks of spending a few years traveling or working. Firstly, people can suffer some difficulty when going back to college. People are able to lose their momentum for going to college owing to not studying during a gap year. As a consequence, they are prone to find it very hard to adapt to new educational settings. Secondly, People can be behind their peers. For example, becoming a physician may require eight years of education A gap year eats up another year that could be dedicated to an academic program. Despite the above-mentioned arguments, I contend that there are more advantages than disadvantages. Firstly, people can study better. Due to tuition costs rising, students normally can not afford increasing tuition costs. A gap year provides them with a chance to work to earn a significant amount of money. As a result, they are likely to fully focus on their study without having to find temporary jobs when they start attending to college. Secondly, people may have better preparation for their jobs in the future. Because the most compulsory and optional subjects are ordinally full of theory in universities of some developing countries such as Vietnam, Laos, and Thailand. Thanks to working in reality, people will gain real-world work experience. Thirdly, traveling helps broaden people's horizon, especially those majoring in sociology. People will have opportunities to have a better understanding of society through travel. In conclusion, I believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks in the trend.
Several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to not go to college
directly
, whereas they spend a short time either traveling or working. While this trend has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages, I believe that it has more advantages.

On the one hand, there are several drawbacks of spending a few years traveling or working.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can suffer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulty when going back to college.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are able to lose their momentum for going to college owing to not studying during a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
. As a consequence, they are prone to find it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to adapt to new educational settings.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can be behind their peers.
For example
, becoming a physician may require eight years of education A gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
eats up another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
that could
be dedicated
to an academic program.

Despite the above-mentioned arguments, I contend that there are more advantages than disadvantages.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can study better. Due to tuition costs rising, students
normally
can not afford increasing tuition costs. A gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
provides them with a chance to work to earn a significant amount of money.
As a result
, they are likely to
fully
focus on their study without having to find temporary jobs when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
attending to college.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have better preparation for their jobs in the future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the most compulsory and optional subjects are
Possible spelling mistake found.
ordinally
full of theory in universities of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
such as Vietnam, Laos, and Thailand. Thanks to working in reality,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will gain real-world work experience.
Thirdly
, traveling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
broaden
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's horizon,
especially
those majoring in sociology.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will have opportunities to have a better understanding of society through travel.

In conclusion
, I believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks in the trend.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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