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Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion v.4

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. 4
It is quite obvious that well known sports players' role has aroused a lot of people's interest and discussions about it. People have actually differed around it. A group of people argue that, these people have no role in the formation of the personality of youths, whilst others believe that, athletes influence positively in the mindset of the adolescents. This essay will deal with both opposing ideas, in order to reach the most appropriate concept. On one hand, individuals' thought that, the famous people have no effect for the following reasons. Firstly, they think that these kind of well known tend to be famous for their own and do not care about the future of the new generation. Moreover, their concept is that these people's need just money, as a result of being famous. For example, when well known participate in an advertisement, these individuals' believe more in their own principle. Nevertheless, another group holds a totally different concept, which is the influence of the famous athletes is gigantic, particularly, on the youths and they have their own causes. First, adolescents try to do the same things like their lovely famous person. Furthermore, as the sports players are well fitted, youths do their best to keep healthy. For instance, if a famous football player was invited on a talk show, the young people would listen to the whole exhibition. To summarize, even though both views seem convincing, as each one of them has its own logic rationale. Yet, I strongly agree with the last principle, which states the impact of athletes is enormous, for the previous reasons mentioned before.
It is quite obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
known sports players' role has aroused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's interest and discussions about it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have actually differed around it. A group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have no role in the formation of the personality of youths, whilst others believe that, athletes influence
positively
in the mindset of the adolescents. This essay will deal with both opposing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, in order to reach the most appropriate concept.

On one hand, individuals'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have no effect for the following reasons.
Firstly
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
known tend to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
and do not care about the future of the new generation.
Moreover
, their concept is that these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
money,
as a result
of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
.
For example
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
known participate in an advertisement, these individuals' believe more in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
principle.

Nevertheless
, another group holds a
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
concept, which is the influence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
athletes is gigantic,
particularly
, on the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
youths and
they have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
causes.
First
, adolescents try to do the same things
Comparison is written 'the same ... "as"'.
like
their lovely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
person.
Furthermore
, as the sports players are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
fitted, youths do their best to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
healthy.
For instance
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
football player
was invited
on a talk
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would listen to the whole exhibition.

To summarize
,
even though
both views seem convincing, as each one of them has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
logic rationale.
Yet
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the last principle, which states the impact of athletes is enormous, for the previous reasons mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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