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Some people think that prison sentences should not be used in dealing with criminals. Education and job training should be used instead. To what extent do you agree on disagree? v.1

Some people think that prison sentences should not be used in dealing with criminals. Education and job training should be used instead. v. 1
Crime is a perceived as a threat to the development of any country and its citizens. As long as a prison punishment is prevalent, people will feel safe and secured. It is disagreed that education and job training should be used instead of it. Analysing the seriousness of a trail which is indirectly proportional to its repetition in the future & fear of conducting a crime will prove this. The first reason is the severity of a punishment that gets inscribed in the mind of a criminal. Although, loss of valuable time and exclusion from loved ones may be daunting to some however, it is a price that they have to pay. For instance the monotonous tasks at a cell might be frustrating and may put someone into a reflection of his/her deeds. Thus, these sentences are fair since it is in tandem to the crime committed. Another plausible explanation is that the fear that comes before committing such a gory act. Would anyone be fearful if the penance is not stern? If it is not draconian the suspect can engage into any hideous crime. To highlight, if multiple years of sentence are not granted to they who commit horrendous acts of rape, it will be a repetitive action. Therefore, a simple educational assignment or skill training will not at all be sufficient to curb crime from a city. In conclusion, though human rights activists in the past have been rebellious on the theme of making someone suffer, lately owing to the growth in crime, abiding to the thought became necessary. The severity of punishment and the worry of the repercussion is surely a reason why I strongly believe that education and job trainings are not tangential to providing a jail sentence.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Crime
is a perceived as a threat to the development of any country and its citizens. As long as a prison punishment is prevalent,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will feel safe and secured. It
is disagreed
that education and job training should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
instead
of it.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
the seriousness of a trail which is
indirectly
proportional to its repetition in the future & fear of conducting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
will prove this.

The
first
reason is the severity of a punishment that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
inscribed in the mind of a criminal. Although, loss of valuable time and exclusion from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
may be daunting to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
however
, it is a price that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay.
For instance
the monotonous tasks at a cell might be frustrating and may put someone into a reflection of his/her deeds.
Thus
, these sentences are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
since it is in tandem to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
committed.

Another plausible explanation is that the fear that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
committing such a gory act.

Would anyone be fearful if the penance is not stern?
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
it is not
Possible incorrect capitalization. Some adjectives that are derived from proper nouns can have both an initial capital letter and an initial lower case letter. If there is a close association with the proper noun, use "Draconian".
draconian
the suspect can engage into any hideous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. To highlight, if multiple years of sentence are not granted to they who commit horrendous acts of rape, it will be a repetitive action.
Therefore
, a simple educational assignment or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
training will not at all be sufficient to curb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
from a city.

In conclusion
, though human rights activists in the past have been rebellious on the theme of making someone
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "suffers", "suffered".
suffer
, lately owing to the growth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, abiding to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
became necessary. The severity of punishment and the worry of the repercussion is
surely
a reason why I
strongly
believe that education and job trainings are not tangential to providing a jail sentence.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that prison sentences should not be used in dealing with criminals. Education and job training should be used instead. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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