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Some people think that prison sentences should not be used in dealing with criminals. Education and job training should be used instead. To what extent do you agree on disagree? v.4

Some people think that prison sentences should not be used in dealing with criminals. Education and job training should be used instead. v. 4
Happiness is one of the most important aspects of lifestyle that have a big effect on our lives. It is a debate that each person is in charge of their fulfilment. However, others opine that there are various criteria in the public’s lifestyles that affect their happiness. I agree with the notion that many factors could affect our lives. On the one hand, all of us know that problems are an indispensable part of our lives and we always encounter vicissitudes of life. But, despite all these problems, happiness is the sole responsibility of an individual. People have the perception that their euphoria is reliant on their own mental and heart conditions. They are the people who could bring happiness by controlling them. Moreover, there are myriad self-help books, yoga and meditation institutes preach how to take control of them and to maintain a good state of mind and equanimity. Happiness is an inner satisfaction that could be achieved through inner peace and practices like yoga and meditation. On the other hand, there are many criteria such as social, health and pecuniary issues that play a huge role in an individual’s paradise. These problems attribute their lives to be influenced. For example, deem an insouciant person who had a good life and used to make trips on the weekends, suddenly have had a car accident, while his family was with him. After the incident, if he wakes up and sees himself paralysed, while all his family is dead in that car accident, he would be shocked and sombre. As a result, troubles like these will affect everyone’s life. To recapitulate, euphoria is an internal satisfaction and you can achieve that by inner peace and exercises. However, we must not neglect the huge factor of external criteria in our lives. I opine that the external factors' effects are more prominent.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspects of lifestyle that have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
effect on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. It is a debate that each person is in charge of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
.
However
, others opine that there are various criteria in the public’s lifestyles that affect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the notion that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors could affect our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

On the one hand, all of us know that problems are an indispensable part of our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lives and
we always encounter vicissitudes of life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, despite all these problems,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is the sole responsibility of an individual.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have the perception that their euphoria is reliant on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
mental and heart conditions. They are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who could bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
by controlling them.
Moreover
, there are myriad self-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
books, yoga and meditation institutes preach how to take control of them and to maintain a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
state of mind and equanimity.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is an inner satisfaction that could
be achieved
through inner peace and practices like yoga and meditation.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
criteria such as social, health and pecuniary issues that play a huge role in an individual’s paradise. These problems attribute their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
to
be influenced
.
For example
, deem an insouciant person who had a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
trips on the weekends,
suddenly
have had a car accident, while his family was with him. After the incident, if he wakes up and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
himself
Possible spelling mistake. 'paralysed' is British English.
paralysed
, while all his family is dead in that car accident, he would
be shocked
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'sombre' is British English.
sombre
.
As a result
, troubles like these will affect everyone’s life.

To recapitulate, euphoria is an internal satisfaction and you can achieve that by inner peace and exercises.
However
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not neglect the huge factor of external criteria in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. I opine that the external factors' effects are more prominent.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people think that prison sentences should not be used in dealing with criminals. Education and job training should be used instead. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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