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Some people think that people who are over 60 years old should retire and stop working. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.2

Some people think that people who are over 60 years old should retire and stop working. with this statement? v. 2
It is the belief of some people that when a person reaches the age of sixty they should then begin their retirement and end their careers. I am of the opinion that this is not the case and that a person should be able to continue working for a as long as they want or need to. This essay shall outline the reasons behind this point of view. When a person reaches the age of sixty they can potentially still be very active and healthy individuals. Such people have a lot to offer a company and they may wish to end their careers at such an age. With ever improving medicinal practices and healthcare, people are remaining healthier for longer and are therefore capable of working for longer. Being forced to retire may negatively affect a person’s mental health and self-esteem. For instance, the UK Office for National Statistics suggests that those people who retire early without a purpose for their retirement are at a 57% greater risk of a heart attack in the first five years of retirement compared to those who retire later when they choose to. Allied to this, companies would lose valuable assets for no real reason. A person who is sixty often has a great deal of experience in a company which can be used to train other members of staff or to offer advice to management when appropriate. Losing this experience unnecessarily could therefore have a negative effect on many companies as they may need to pay more money to recruit new people with less experience. Indeed some companies such as Walmart are famous for valuing older employees as they make fewer mistakes and are generally more reliable than their younger counterparts. To summarise, the valuable experience of older employees allied to the potential negative impacts on those people if they are forced to retire mean that forcing people to retire against their will is not a positive step forward. Governments should ensure that everyone has the right to work as long as they are physically and mentally capable of doing so safely.
It is the belief of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
reaches the age of sixty they should then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their retirement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
their careers. I am of the opinion that this is not the case and that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
should be able to continue working for
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
as long as they want or need to. This essay shall outline the reasons behind this point of view.

When a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
reaches the age of sixty they can
potentially
still
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
active and healthy individuals. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a lot to offer a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
company and
they may wish to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
their careers at such an age. With ever improving medicinal practices and healthcare,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are remaining healthier for longer and are
therefore
capable of working for longer.
Being forced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
may
negatively
affect a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
mental health and self-esteem.
For instance
, the UK Office for National Statistics suggests that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
early without a purpose for their retirement are at a 57% greater
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of a heart attack in the
first
five years of retirement compared to those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
later when they choose to.

Allied to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
would lose valuable assets for no real reason. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who is sixty
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
has a great deal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to train other members of staff or to offer advice to management when appropriate. Losing this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
unnecessarily
could
therefore
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
as they may need to pay more money to recruit new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
such as Walmart are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for valuing older employees as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
fewer mistakes and are
generally
more reliable than their younger counterparts.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, the valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
of older employees allied to the potential
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
if they
are forced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
mean that forcing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
against their will is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
step forward.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
should ensure that everyone has the right to work as long as they are
physically
and mentally capable of doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
safely
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that people who are over 60 years old should retire and stop working. with this statement? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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