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Some people think that people who are over 60 years old should retire and stop working. v.1

Some people think that people who are over 60 years old should retire and stop working. v. 1
Some people believe that an adult, who falls into the age category for pension, needs to evaporate unnecessary hopes in the pursuit of career. However, there is another statement that seniors could have a significant effect on the job market. In my opinion, I agree with both statements because older people should work at the same level as younger individuals. On the one hand, most people agree with their viewpoint as they prefer giving opportunities for younger people (avoid relative clauses). For example, the unemployment rate of young adults increases constantly, because employers often hire older people with work experience. It can also cause some troubles with teaching younger ones. There is another reason why there is an unemployment gap between older people and younger ones. Companies tend to hold their seniors because it could increase the productivity and bring benefits. Admittedly, People who are over 60 want to have more work because it depends on their pension rate in the future. On the other hand, people who are over 60 should also consider their retirement because of today’s innovation and new technologies. Now we see that the world is changing rapidly. Older people should keep up with the speed of learning and absorbing new information. Therefore, older people should give some chance for younger ones, and help them to progress on their new career. As a result, it helps to decrease the unemployment rate and narrow down the opportunities to obtain skills. Nowadays more employers prefer hiring young workers with a higher education. It helps to increase benefits and work faster due deadlines. In conclusion, it is said that a 60 years old and over people should retire to give their positions to young adults. However, it is also argued whether it will bring benefits to industrial companies. From my point of view, it is a broad subject to further discussions so that I partially agree with both statements considering their pros and cons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that an adult, who falls into the age category for pension, needs to evaporate unnecessary hopes in the pursuit of career.
However
, there is another statement that seniors could have a significant effect on the job market. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with both statements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at the same level as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
individuals.

On the one hand, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with their viewpoint as they prefer giving opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
(avoid relative clauses).
For example
, the unemployment rate of young adults increases
constantly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
employers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience. It can
also
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
troubles with teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. There is another reason why there is an unemployment gap between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
tend to hold their seniors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it could increase the productivity and bring benefits.
Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who are over 60 want to have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it depends on their pension rate in the future.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are over 60 should
also
consider their retirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s innovation and new technologies.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the world is changing
rapidly
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the speed of learning and absorbing new information.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
chance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to progress on their new career.
As a result
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to decrease the unemployment rate and narrow down the opportunities to obtain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Nowadays more employers prefer hiring young workers with a higher education. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to increase benefits and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
faster due deadlines.

In conclusion
, it
is said
that a 60 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should retire to give their positions to young adults.
However
, it is
also
argued whether it will bring benefits to industrial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. From my point of view, it is a broad subject to
further
discussions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with both statements considering their pros and cons.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that people who are over 60 years old should retire and stop working. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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