Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people believe that government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individual should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include example from your own experience. v.1

Some people believe that government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individual should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? v. 1
People have different views about the financial support to elderly people who have retired. While some people disagree with plan of government support for retirees. In my view, I believe that old people deserve to receive pension. On the one hand, people should save money from their monthly income for their future living expenses and in urgent situations. As it comes to aging, people gradually become weak physically and susceptible to severe illness such as chronic diseases, diabetes or kidney problems which they need to pay a vast amount of money fro treatments. Furthermore, having their own savings means they will not depend on others or government and also enjoy a comfortable life. On the other hand, the government has a responsibility to support finance to retirees with the purpose of bringing wellbeing to public. For instance, if people after retire do not obtain the financial assistance, they can risk their lives to rob or commit other associated crimes. Therefore the social safety will be threatened. Moreover, old people had paid taxes throughout their working life, thus, they entitled to receive pension from social welfare system when reaching retirement age. The government could also provide them assistance such as medical services, allowances and nursing home where they spend quality time with people in the same age group. In conclusion, despite of individuals ought to be responsible for their life as saving amount of money from the working life. However, the government should support elderly residents’s finance because they had paid taxes when they still worked for authority.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about the financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
to elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have retired. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
disagree with plan of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
for retirees. In my view, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
deserve to receive pension.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should save money from their monthly income for their future living expenses and in urgent situations. As it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to aging,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gradually
become weak
physically
and susceptible to severe illness such as chronic diseases, diabetes or kidney problems which they need to pay a vast amount of money
Did you mean "for" or "from"?
fro
treatments.
Furthermore
, having their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
savings means they will not depend on others or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and
also
enjoy a comfortable life.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has a responsibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
finance to retirees with the purpose of bringing
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
to public.
For instance
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
after retire do not obtain the financial assistance, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to rob or commit other associated crimes.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the social safety will
be threatened
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had paid taxes throughout their working life,
thus
, they entitled to receive pension from social welfare system when reaching retirement age. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could
also
provide them assistance such as medical services, allowances and nursing home where they spend quality time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the same age group.

In conclusion
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
individuals ought to be responsible for their life as saving amount of money from the working life.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
elderly
Did you mean "resident’s" or "residents’"?
residents’s
finance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they had paid taxes when they
still
worked for authority.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individual should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts