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Many people think that happiness relies upon individual, while others think that it is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion. v.1

Many people think that happiness relies upon individual, while others think that it is affected by other factors. v. 1
Peaceful mind is the integral part of our soul. For some people happiness is a state of mind, which can control solely and some individuals believe that external factors plays a vital role in someone’s pleasure. Therefore, I will elaborate my views to conclude. To begin with, someone’s enjoyment is purely based on his state of mind. Happiness is a factor which can achieve solely. For instance, if one can do yoga, meditation, and read books about spiritualism, he can find happiness in his inner self. Certainly, anyone cannot find happiness easily. In addition, control on your state of mind is the primary factor and ignore the matters or circumstances is secondary then deal to them with a pure heart and nothing to lose nature. This approach brings enjoyment & peace towards you. However, control your heart and mind, it’s the sturdiest and an apposite approach to stay happy. On the contrary, some other believes that outer matters affect the mind & heart the most. For example, when someone going to the office or attend a function, he passes by someone’s cremation, he felts unhappiness, it’s a superstition, but that’s the firm truth, it can affects state of mind. Individuals believe that a good house, a bunch of money, a car is a symbol of happiness. In addition, weather plays a huge role in changing state of mind. According to research by the Times of India, Pune has the most happiness rate due to their pleasant weather. Music also changes anyone’s behaviour. Henceforth, external factors are the important attributes. To summarize, People can control their mind it’s on their own hand, but also not denied that outer matters is the prominent sign of a changing a state of mind.
Peaceful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
is the integral part of our soul. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
, which can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
solely
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe that external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
plays a vital role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone’s
pleasure.
Therefore
, I will elaborate my views
to conclude
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone’s
enjoyment is
purely
based on his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
which can achieve
solely
.
For instance
, if one can do yoga, meditation, and read books about spiritualism, he can find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in his inner self.
Certainly
, anyone cannot find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
easily
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
on your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
is the primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the matters or circumstances is secondary then deal to them with a pure heart and nothing to lose nature. This approach brings enjoyment & peace towards you.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
your heart and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
, it’s the sturdiest and an apposite approach to stay happy.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other believes that outer matters affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
& heart the most.
For example
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "goes", "went".
going
to the office or attend a function, he passes by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone’s
cremation, he felts unhappiness, it’s a superstition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that’s the firm truth, it can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "affect"
affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
. Individuals believe that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, a bunch of money, a car is a symbol of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
In addition
, weather plays a huge role in changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
. According to research by
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
, Pune has the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
rate due to their pleasant weather. Music
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
anyone’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Henceforth, external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
are the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
attributes.

To summarize
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
it’s on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
not denied that outer matters is the prominent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of a changing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Many people think that happiness relies upon individual, while others think that it is affected by other factors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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