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In some countries people encourage teenagers to find part time jobs. Some people agree and others don't. Review both sides and give your opinion. v.1

In some countries people encourage teenagers to find part time jobs. Some people agree and others don't. Review both sides and give your opinion. v. 1
Some people in various states allow adolescents to search for part time work, whereas some people do not allow for any reasons. In my opinion, allowing the children would boost their confidence self-reliant and give them a chance to learn new skills. On the one hand, freedom is the key to innovation and confidence. The liberty to youngsters to find out the jobs may make them contribute to the economy as well as create room for the fruitful inventions. An example can be seen in many countries, where youth is the 70% working force, contributing to the progress of the nation in different sections of research, industry, sports and military services. Moreover, part time job gives an individual financial support and new techniques or skills in their initial period. This leads to confidence, mental support and assists in further career goals. On the other hand, excessive freedom is detrimental in most cases. The youngsters are mostly naive or vulnerable and inexperienced at an early age, which are likely influenced by illegal activities. For example, some criminal reports show that teenagers indulge in drug addiction or criminal activities, when they come from studies or jobs in other cities. Furthermore, sometimes these jobs are hazardous to health which seems to cause physical injury. Consequently, these injuries and criminal involvements may affect the whole life or upcoming career of the young generation. Overall, it seems advisable that part time work at a young age makes a person financially strong, decision maker and learner. However, it should not be fatal and unlinked with unethical activities.
Some
people
in various states
allow
adolescents to search for
part time
work, whereas
some
people
do not
allow
for any reasons. In my opinion, allowing the children would boost their confidence self-reliant and give them a chance to learn new
skills
.

On the one hand, freedom is the key to innovation and confidence. The liberty to youngsters to find out the
jobs
may
make
them contribute to the economy
as well
as create room for the fruitful inventions. An example can be
seen
in
many
countries, where youth is the 70% working force, contributing to the progress of the nation in
different
sections of research, industry, sports and military services.
Moreover
,
part time
job
gives an individual financial support and new techniques or
skills
in their initial period. This leads to confidence, mental support and assists in
further
career goals.

On the other hand
, excessive freedom is detrimental
in most cases
. The youngsters are
mostly
naive or vulnerable and inexperienced at an early age, which are likely influenced by illegal activities.
For example
,
some
criminal reports
show
that
teenagers
indulge in drug addiction or criminal activities, when they
come
from studies or
jobs
in other cities.
Furthermore
,
sometimes
these
jobs
are hazardous to health which seems to cause physical injury.
Consequently
, these injuries and criminal involvements may affect the whole life or upcoming career of the young generation.

Overall
, it seems advisable that
part time
work at a young age
makes
a person
financially
strong, decision maker and learner.
However
, it should not be fatal and unlinked with unethical activities.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay In some countries people encourage teenagers to find part time jobs. Some people agree and others don't. Review both sides and give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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