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Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think money is important factor when choosing job? What other factors should be considered? v.5

Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think money is important factor when choosing job? What other factors should be considered? v. 5
According to some people in order to provide security for the family one needs to choose a job based on the income. Even thought I agree partially with this point of view, but according to me, you should also take into consideration your own interests when choosing a workplace that pays well. In this day and age of high inflation and rising prices of commodity you should always opt for a high paying job. This will give you the financial freedom and also ensure your family's financial security. But if you are in an occupation that you do not like then you will not be happy doing it. It will take its toll on you emotionally and will not help you thrive and grow your career. That is why when choosing a job you should always try to strike a balance between money and personal interest. Also, when choosing a workplace you should look into the additional benefits a company is paying you if you join them. A company may offer transportation, but offer you a bit less than another company that is offering you more but does not have any transportation. Initially the second offer might look more attractive, but given the traffic in Dhaka city, not having to worry about your transport to and from the office is a life saver. Also, there are some companies who pay relatively less, but make up for it with additional benefits such as medical and dental coverage for employees and gratuity funds. So, in conclusion, according to me one should always look for an occupation which not only pays a fair income but also provides add on benefits. Most importantly, one should choose an occupation that they have an interest in doing as that is where they will spend most of the time of their day.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in order to provide security for the family one needs to choose a job based on the income. Even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
partially
with this point of view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
according to me, you should
also
take into consideration your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interests when choosing a workplace that pays well.

In this day and age of high inflation and rising prices of commodity you should always opt for a high paying job. This will give you the financial freedom and
also
ensure your family's financial security.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if you are in an occupation that you do not like then you will not be happy doing it. It will take its toll on you
emotionally
and will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you thrive and grow your career.
That is
why when choosing a job you should always try to strike a balance between money and personal interest.

Also
, when choosing a workplace you should look into the additional benefits a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is paying you if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
them. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
may offer transportation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
offer you a bit less than another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
that is
offering you more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
does not have any transportation.
Initially
the second offer might look more attractive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the traffic in Dhaka city, not having to worry about your transport to and from the office is a life saver.
Also
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
who pay
relatively
less,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up for it with additional benefits such as medical and dental coverage for employees and gratuity funds.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
in conclusion
, according to me one should always look for an occupation which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
pays a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
income
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provides
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
on benefits. Most
importantly
, one should choose an occupation that they have an interest in doing as
that is
where they will spend most of the time of their day.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think money is important factor when choosing job? What other factors should be considered? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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