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Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v.19

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 19
It is popular that lots of people make their choices work as a self-employed instead of working as an employee for enterprises or offices. This essay will first discuss which reasons contribute to the option of self-employing and it will address the negative effects it will probably bring. To start with, in modern societies, especially in China, entrepreneurship is considered to be successful and respectful so that the majority of adults are eager to set up their own business and become a successful entrepreneur. For example, since Ma Yun, the founder of Taobao, insisted on working for his enterprise, he has succeeded to be the richest man in China. Secondly, employment is just routine daily things whilst self-employment can be interesting work because of conducting one’s personal ideas and thought. Last but not least, if people have their own way of earning money, they would be working more flexibly than employment allows for. Although there are a various of benefits to self-employed, we have to admit they will be anxious about their future when their business are encountering fierce competition, which is not good to family and society. For instance, The Time survey shows that approximately 10% shops are closing because of online stores. Thus, most of businessmen are encountering financial problems even bankrupt. Moreover, entering trading means fight so anyone can not avoid struggling for worrying about the survival of their businesses even though they are running in good conditions. In conclusion, being self-employed has the opportunity to be a successful entrepreneur and exert individual intelligences and freedom in working rhyme so that a lot of adults make their decision not to be an employee of firms or offices anymore. However, self-employer will be always anxious about their business, which is social and family issues.
It is popular that lots of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their choices work as a self-employed
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
as an employee for enterprises or offices. This essay will
first
discuss which reasons contribute to the option of self-employing and it will address the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects it will
probably
bring.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, in modern societies,
especially
in China, entrepreneurship
is considered
to be successful and respectful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the majority of adults are eager to set up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and become a successful entrepreneur.
For example
, since Ma
Possible spelling mistake found.
Yun
, the founder of Taobao, insisted on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for his enterprise, he has succeeded to be the richest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in China.
Secondly
, employment is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
routine daily things whilst self-employment can be interesting work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of conducting one’s personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way of earning money, they would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
more
flexibly
than employment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
for.

Although there are
The phrase 'a various of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a various of
benefits to self-employed, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
admit they will be anxious about their future when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
are encountering fierce competition, which is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to family and society.
For instance
, The Time survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that approximately 10% shops are closing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of online stores.
Thus
,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the businessmen") or simply say "most businessmen".
most of businessmen
are encountering financial problems even bankrupt.
Moreover
, entering trading means fight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
anyone can not avoid struggling for worrying about the survival of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
even though
they are running in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
conditions.

In conclusion
, being self-employed has the opportunity to be a successful entrepreneur and exert individual intelligences and freedom in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
rhyme
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their decision not to be an employee of firms or offices anymore.
However
, self-employer will be always anxious about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, which is social and family issues.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 19

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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