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Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think money is important factor when choosing job? What other factors should be considered? v.4

Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think money is important factor when choosing job? What other factors should be considered? v. 4
IT IS TRUE THAT JOB ALWAYS GIVES A FINANCIAL STABILITY TO AN INDIVIDUAL AND THEIR FAMILY. FEW BELIEVE THAT SALARY SHOULD BE CONSIDER AS PART OF SELECTING CRITERIA WHEN SEARCHING FOR A JOB. THE FOLLOWING ESSAY WILL DISCUSS THAT MONEY IS NOT ALWAYS ESSENTIAL FACTOR DURING SELECTING PROCEDURE SPECIALLY FOR YOUR FIRST JOB OFFER. AND PERSON SHOULD LOOK FOR OTHER CRITERIA TOO LIKE, PASSION, INTEREST, WORK HOURS AND SO ON. FIRST OF ALL, MONEY IS NOT IMPORTANT AS ALWAYS DUE TO VARIOUS REASONS. FIRSTLY, WHEN A PERSON IS LOOKING FOR A WORK AS ENTRY LEVE THEN THAT TIME HE SHOULD CONSIDER THE OFFER AS AN OPPORTUNITY RATHER THAN LOOKING FOR WAGES. TO ELABORATE, WHEN YOU LOOK FOR PAY WHEN SELECTING WORK, PERSON WILL END UP WITH SEARCHING A JOB FOR LOGER PERIOD OF TIME BY WASTING THE PRECIOUS TIME. THUS IT IS DEPENDS ON THE POSITION YOUR ARE APPLYING FOR AND THE WORK TYPE. HOWEVER, IT IS TRUE THAT AFTER 1 YEAR OF EXPERIENCE YOU SHOULD GET A GOOD PAY WHEN APPLYING FOR HIGHER POSITION. IN THE ADDITION TO THIS, THERE ARE SEVERAL FACTORS WHICH SHOULD BE IN CONSIDER FOR JOB SELCTION. THE PRIME FSCTOR IS THAT ONE SHOULD LOOK FOR INTEREST AND PASSION FOR WORK. TO ILLUSTRATE, PERSONN OFTEN ACHIEVE A LOT WHE WORK HAS DONE WITH INTEREST. AS A RESULT INCREASE THE CHANCE OF PROMOTION AND THEN AUTOMATICALLY ONE GETS A HIGHER PAY. FOR AN EXAMPLE ONE OF MY FRIEND WANTED TO WORK FOR A PART TIME JUST TO GAIN SOME KOWLEDGE AND MAKE NEW FRIEND SO HE JOINED MACDONALDS RESTAURANT AS ENTRY LEVEL OSTION AND WITHING 3 MONTHS HE BECAME A ASSISTANT MANAGER IN THE SAME STORE. THIS IS HAPPENED BECAUSE HE WAS VERY ENTHUISIASTIC AND HARD WORKING AND HAVE PERSONAL INTEREST IN THE FOOD CHAIN BUSINESS. HENCE, HE GOT SUCCESS. TO SUM UP, OVERALL IT SHOULD DEPEND ON THE PERSON'S PERSONAL CHOICE BUT I BELIEVE IS THAT, WITH STRONG WORK ETHICS AND CURIOSITY TO LEARN MORE DEFINATLY GIVES YOU AN HIGER PAY. BUT AT FIRST MONEY SHOULD NOT BE A FUNDAMENTAL NEEDS EXCEPT FOR NEEDY PEOPLE.
IT IS TRUE THAT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
JOB
ALWAYS GIVES A FINANCIAL STABILITY TO AN INDIVIDUAL AND THEIR FAMILY. FEW BELIEVE THAT SALARY SHOULD BE
Consider using the past participle "considered"?
CONSIDER
AS PART OF SELECTING CRITERIA WHEN SEARCHING FOR A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
JOB
. THE FOLLOWING ESSAY WILL DISCUSS THAT MONEY IS NOT ALWAYS ESSENTIAL FACTOR DURING SELECTING PROCEDURE
SPECIALLY
FOR YOUR
FIRST
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
JOB
OFFER. AND PERSON SHOULD LOOK FOR OTHER CRITERIA TOO LIKE, PASSION,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
INTEREST
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
HOURS AND
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SO
ON.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
FIRST OF ALL
, MONEY IS NOT
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
IMPORTANT
AS ALWAYS DUE TO VARIOUS REASONS.
FIRSTLY
, WHEN A PERSON IS LOOKING FOR A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
AS ENTRY
Possible spelling mistake found.
LEVE
THEN THAT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
HE SHOULD CONSIDER THE OFFER AS AN OPPORTUNITY
RATHER
THAN LOOKING FOR WAGES. TO ELABORATE, WHEN YOU LOOK FOR
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
PAY
WHEN SELECTING
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
, PERSON WILL
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
END
UP WITH SEARCHING A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
JOB
FOR
Possible spelling mistake found.
LOGER
PERIOD OF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
BY WASTING THE PRECIOUS
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
THUS
IT IS DEPENDS ON THE POSITION YOUR ARE APPLYING FOR AND THE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
TYPE.
HOWEVER
, IT IS TRUE THAT AFTER 1 YEAR OF EXPERIENCE YOU SHOULD
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GET
A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GOOD
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
PAY
WHEN APPLYING FOR HIGHER POSITION.

IN THE ADDITION TO THIS, THERE ARE SEVERAL FACTORS WHICH SHOULD BE IN CONSIDER FOR
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
JOB
Possible spelling mistake found.
SELCTION
. THE PRIME
Possible spelling mistake found.
FSCTOR
IS THAT ONE SHOULD LOOK FOR
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
INTEREST
AND PASSION FOR
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
. TO ILLUSTRATE,
Possible spelling mistake found.
PERSONN
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
OFTEN
ACHIEVE A LOT
Possible spelling mistake found.
WHE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
HAS DONE WITH
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
INTEREST
.
AS A RESULT
INCREASE THE CHANCE OF PROMOTION AND THEN
AUTOMATICALLY
ONE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GETS
A HIGHER
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
PAY
. FOR AN EXAMPLE ONE OF MY FRIEND WANTED TO
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
FOR A PART
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
JUST
TO GAIN
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SOME
Possible spelling mistake found.
KOWLEDGE
AND
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
MAKE
NEW FRIEND
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SO
HE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
JOINED
Possible spelling mistake found.
MACDONALDS
RESTAURANT AS ENTRY LEVEL
Possible spelling mistake found.
OSTION
AND WITHING 3 MONTHS HE BECAME A ASSISTANT MANAGER IN THE SAME STORE. THIS
IS HAPPENED
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BECAUSE
HE WAS
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
VERY
Possible spelling mistake found.
ENTHUISIASTIC
AND
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
HARD
WORKING AND HAVE PERSONAL
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
INTEREST
IN THE FOOD CHAIN BUSINESS.
HENCE
, HE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GOT
SUCCESS.

TO SUM UP,
OVERALL
IT SHOULD DEPEND ON THE PERSON'S PERSONAL CHOICE
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
I BELIEVE IS THAT, WITH STRONG
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
ETHICS AND CURIOSITY TO LEARN MORE
Possible spelling mistake found.
DEFINATLY
GIVES YOU AN
Possible spelling mistake found.
HIGER
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
PAY
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
AT
FIRST
MONEY SHOULD NOT BE A FUNDAMENTAL NEEDS
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
EXCEPT FOR
NEEDY
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
PEOPLE
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think money is important factor when choosing job? What other factors should be considered? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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