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Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you thing money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered? v.1

Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you thing money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered? v. 1
Many people believe that the main and most important thing that matters when it comes to get a job is the amount of money they will earn. Money brings people a feeling of safety, so as a result, a lot of people think that jobs should be chosen by people, depending on their income to ensure everyone’s needs are covered. However, despite I agree that money is one of the most important things to keep in mind when people is looking for a job, in my opinion love and time are as important as money. Firstly, the main aspect that should be considered by people when they want to get a job it’s the fact of if the person is really going to like that kind of work. Nowadays, more workers chose their job not because they are passionate about it, but because of the money they are earning doing it, so, as a consequence, most of them don’t do their work properly and, in some cases they end up leaving the job. Secondly, time is one of the most important points. Even if a job can provide you a good income of money for your family, if you aren’t able to spend time with them and enjoy it, the work you are doing won’t be worth it. A good example of this is the business people. They are used to spent lots of hours doing long shifts and even travelling from one side to another, so their salary is one of the highest among all professions. However, at the same time, they are always busy and far from their families. In conclusion, I think that despite people think that money is the only reason why they should apply for that job, things such as time and passion for a work position, are more important to make sure the family stays together and safe.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the main and most
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important
thing that matters when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they will earn.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a feeling of safety,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
should
be chosen
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, depending on their income to ensure everyone’s needs
are covered
.
However
, despite I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is one of the most
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important
things to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in mind when
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
looking for a
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job
, in my opinion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and
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time
are as
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important
as money.

Firstly
, the main aspect that should
be considered
by
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people
when they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
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job
it’s the fact of if the person is
really
going to like that kind of
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work
. Nowadays, more workers chose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are passionate about it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they are earning doing it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, as a consequence, most of them don’t do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
properly
and, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up leaving the job.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is one of the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
points. Even if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can provide you a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
income of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for your family, if you aren’t able to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them and enjoy it, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
you are doing won’t be worth it. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this is the business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spent lots of hours doing long shifts and even travelling from one side to another,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their salary is one of the highest among all professions.
However
, at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they are always busy and far from their families.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reason why they should apply for that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, things such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and passion for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
position, are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure the family stays together and safe.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you thing money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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