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Many people think that happiness relies on the responsibility of individuals, others think that it is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion by using examples from your personal experience. v.1

Many people think that happiness relies on the responsibility of individuals, others think that it is affected by other factors. v. 1
The source of happiness is believed by many people can be gained only by individual efforts, while others perceive that other aspects also play significant roles. In my opinion, people can be happy with their personal achievements, yet it is also highly affected by some important factors. Each person can pursue happiness through life achievements. It is because of the satisfaction after passing challenges to reach higher attainments. For example, people can live joyfully when they can be promoted to a higher position, such as from sales to a manager. This achievement, of course, takes a long time, patience, and hardship, hence people might feel satisfied. Another example is completing a degree in university with the highest distinction also reflects hard work and perseverance throughout the years so that it becomes happiness in someone's life. Thus individual attainment can bring happiness in life. However, personal achievements are affected by other elements. First, as a social being, human has a family who gives support and advice through hard times. Moreover, the presence of best friends also comforts people during ups and downs. Having a supportive social circle, people can be motivated and happy subconsciously to reach their destination and gain happiness in lives. Therefore, relatives and friends act as other essential factors of supporting ones. In my opinion, these two aspects are highly connected. Without having a proper social circle, people might suffer alone and impossible to be successful in achieving life achievements as part of a happy life. In conclusion, people cannot fully rely on individual efforts to attain happiness, but also need supports from family and best friends during the life process.
The source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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people
can
be gained
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by individual efforts, while others perceive that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects
also
play significant roles. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be happy with their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
,
yet
it is
also
highly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors.

Each person can pursue
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happiness
through
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life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the satisfaction after passing challenges to reach higher attainments.
For example
,
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people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
joyfully
when they can
be promoted
to a higher position, such as from sales to a manager. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievement
,
of course
, takes a long time, patience, and hardship,
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might feel satisfied. Another example is completing a degree in university with the highest distinction
also
reflects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and perseverance throughout the years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it becomes
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happiness
in someone's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
individual attainment can bring
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happiness
in life.

However
, personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
elements.
First
, as a social being, human has a family who gives support and advice through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
times.
Moreover
, the presence of best friends
also
comforts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
during ups and downs. Having a supportive social circle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be motivated
and happy
subconsciously
to reach their destination and gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Therefore
, relatives and friends act as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
essential factors of supporting ones.

In my opinion, these two aspects are
highly
connected. Without having a proper social circle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might suffer alone and impossible to be successful in achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
as part of a happy life.

In conclusion
,
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people
cannot
fully
rely on individual efforts to attain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
need supports from family and best friends during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
process.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Many people think that happiness relies on the responsibility of individuals, others think that it is affected by other factors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
273 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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