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Some people think that parents should control the behaviour of children at a very young age but others think we should give them more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that parents should control the behaviour of children at a very young age but others think we should give them more freedom. v. 1
Whether or not parents should take the responsibility to raise their children from the early years of life has become a controversial issue. While some individuals are of the opinion that it is essential to get command over their behaviour from the formative age, others consider that freedom should be provided to them. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument in depth. I, however, believe that a balanced approach should be adopted. To begin with, a vast majority of people claim that it is the onus on parents to impose restrictions on the children in order to make them a better individual. Since it is well known that home is the first school of every child and maximum hours of the day are spent in the company of their parents, therefore their character can be moulded in whatever manner they want, especially mothers are responsible to transmit moral values to their wards. For instance, a guardian can teach their offspring, how to behave, when guests arrive to their house. Thus these are minor things from where they can start and gradually it can be observed that outcomes are better. On the other hand, another section of the society thinks that some sort of liberty should be given to the children despite its drawbacks. This is probably due to the reason that if they are left free to work according to their will, it will make them independent and responsible, and provide ample chances to flourish in the future. For example, a recent study on the interest of the younger child reveals that their ability of learning is far higher when they learn without any external stress. To recapitulate, this is appropriate to leave our younger generation free to explore the world in mammoth dimensions. To conclude, undeniably, the community is divided on the views of raising the future of the nation. Some argue that parents must impart healthy habits to the future generation, whereas there are others who are in favour of letting the children live their lives. I personally opine that it should be done by keeping the benefits of the society in mind.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should take the responsibility to raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from the early years of life has become a controversial issue. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals are of the opinion that it is essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
command over their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
from the formative age, others consider that freedom should
be provided
to them. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument in depth. I,
however
, believe that a balanced approach should
be adopted
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that it is the onus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to impose restrictions on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them a better individual. Since it is well known that home is the
first
school of every child and maximum hours of the day
are spent
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
therefore
their character can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
moulded
in whatever manner they want,
especially
mothers are responsible to transmit moral values to their wards.
For instance
, a guardian can teach their offspring, how to behave, when guests arrive to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
these are minor things from where they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
and
gradually
it can
be observed
that outcomes are better.

On the other hand
, another section of the society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of liberty should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
despite its drawbacks. This is
probably
due to the reason that if they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
free to work according to their will, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them independent and responsible, and provide ample chances to flourish in the future.
For example
, a recent study on the interest of the younger child reveals that their ability of learning is far higher when they learn without any external
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. To recapitulate, this is appropriate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
our younger generation free to explore the world in mammoth dimensions.

To conclude
,
undeniably
, the community
is divided
on the views of raising the future of the nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
impart healthy habits to the future generation, whereas there are others who are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of letting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
personally
opine that it should
be done
by keeping the benefits of the society in mind.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that parents should control the behaviour of children at a very young age but others think we should give them more freedom. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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