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Attending a live performance(for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v.1

Attending a live performance(for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1
Although many would argue that televised recap cannot exceed the traditional appreciation, I prefer observing events on television to attending them. To begin with, technology is incapable of offering the thrilling, genuine sensation as eye-to-eye plays. For instance, indirect programs cannot reproduce the echo of opera theatre, or the thundering explosions of firework performances that tremble even the most towering skyscraper. Furthermore, the events offer people an environment to truly be themselves-an environment without judgement. At the shows, people who share interests gather to be a harmonious crowd and enjoy the show together. Hence, attending the performances has become a way to escape reality for many. However, joining real-time shows has its drawbacks. Firstly, the cost to attend these events is obnoxiously high. General admission tickets to these shows are already expensive to many people, but for people to have the best experience at the performances, they need to buy higher class tickets. In theatre, for example, most of the seats with the best view of the stage are often reserved for the VIPs whose tickets cost hundreds of dollars. By contrast, watching the same shows on televisions is not only cost-effective, but also convenient as show viewers are facilitated with outlet functions such as recaps, close-up views, etc. Secondly, safety is not assured at these events. As hundreds of people gather at the same place, security forces have difficulties keeping track of all individuals and prevent criminals. Therefore, many cases of theft and serious crimes occur at concerts and matches. These can range from minor offences such as pickpocket to felonies, namely sexual harassment and homicide. Moreover, when accidents happen, the crowd hinders swift evacuations, and panic causes stampedes. These occasions happen more frequent than most people think and deaths cause by them are staggering high. In conclusion, I would choose to watch performances on television.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
would argue that televised recap cannot exceed the traditional appreciation, I prefer observing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on television to attending them.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, technology is incapable of offering the thrilling, genuine sensation as eye-to-eye plays.
For instance
, indirect programs cannot reproduce the echo of opera
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
, or the thundering explosions of firework
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
that tremble even the most towering skyscraper.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
an environment to
truly
be themselves-an environment without judgement. At the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who share interests gather to be a harmonious crowd and enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
together.
Hence
, attending the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
has become a way to escape reality for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
.

However
, joining real-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
has its drawbacks.
Firstly
, the cost to attend these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is
obnoxiously
high. General admission tickets to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
are already expensive to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have the best experience at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
, they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
tickets. In
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
,
for example
, most of the seats with the best view of the stage are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
reserved for the VIPs whose tickets cost hundreds of dollars. By contrast, watching the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
on televisions is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cost-effective,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
convenient as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
viewers
are facilitated
with outlet functions such as recaps, close-up views, etc.
Secondly
, safety is not assured at these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
. As hundreds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gather at the same place, security forces have difficulties keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of all individuals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
criminals.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases of theft and serious crimes occur at concerts and matches. These can range from minor
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
such as pickpocket to felonies,
namely
sexual harassment and homicide.
Moreover
, when accidents happen, the crowd hinders swift evacuations, and panic causes stampedes. These occasions happen more frequent than most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and deaths cause by them are staggering high.

In conclusion
, I would choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
on television.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Attending a live performance(for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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