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More and more children are addicted to electronic games. To what extent do you agree that parents should control children’s freedom so as not to let children get in touch with electronic games? v.2

More and more children are addicted to electronic games. v. 2
With the advent of electronic games, children spend so much time playing these games so much so that they are addicted to them. As a result, most people are calling on parents to prohibit their wards from playing these games. While this will have some positive impacts, it' s negative effects will be more. One positive side of not allowing children play electronic games is that they will have more time to spend on their academics and other important aspects of their development. Children spend a lot of time on computer and video games that they forget to do the home works or read their books. Some even shun going to school, because they want to play games the entire day. Stopping them from playing these games therefore, would allow them to devote more time on their studies and other important aspects of their life. On the other hand, some children might revolt against their parents for denying them access to these games. Such young ones can even take to some social vices just to get at their parents. Also, experts have shown that electronic games help to develop children' s analytical skills. Therefore, stopping them from getting in touch with these games implies that this aspect of their development will be impaired. In conclusion, I disagree that parents should deny their children access to electronic games. Doing so will affect some aspect of their development as well as encourage some to take on some form of crime. What can be done however, is to ensure that they balance out their time over these games, their studies and some other aspects of their development.
With the advent of
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electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
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children
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they
are addicted
to them.
As a result
, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are calling on
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parents
to prohibit their wards from playing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. While this will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts,
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it&
#039; s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects will be more.

One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side of not allowing
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children
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is that they will have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend on their academics and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspects
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on computer and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that they forget to do the home works or read their books.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
even shun going to school,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
the entire day. Stopping them from playing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
therefore
, would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to devote more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on their studies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspects
of their life.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might revolt against their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for denying them access to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Such young ones can even take to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social vices
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Also
, experts have shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to develop
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s analytical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Therefore
, stopping them from getting in touch with these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
implies that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspect
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
will
be impaired
.

In conclusion
, I disagree that
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parents
should deny their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
will affect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspect
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
as well
as encourage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to take on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of crime. What can
be done
however
, is to ensure that they balance out their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
over these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, their studies and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspects
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
44Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more children are addicted to electronic games. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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