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More and more children are addicted to electronic games. To what extent do you agree that parents should control children’s freedom so as not to let children get in touch with electronic games? v.1

More and more children are addicted to electronic games. v. 1
Nowadays, Sports have gained popularity in today's world. Someone says that sports play a vital role in society. Another believes that it is just considered as recreation pastimes. I totally disagree with this statement, as sports not only help people upgrade health level, but also make a profit for the country's economy. It is deniable that sports help increase people physical as well as mental health. First, since the more exercises that we do, the more well-shaped body and good health we will gain. Jogging, for example, if we play it regularly, it is able to help us strengthen bones, lose weight, and enhance metabolism of the body in the proper way. Moreover, it also helps reduce the risk of so many diseases, like stroke, diabetes as our immune systems are strengthened by doing exercises. Besides the beneficial that sports effect on people's health, it also make so much profit in the country. First, Sport events help develop the country's tourism. World Cup, for instance, it attracts million spectators all over the world to gather up at the hostal country. So, the government is able to take advantage to advert the cultures, landscapes of the country. Second, sport activities provide one of the most cost-effective forms of preventative medicine. This means that participation in sport contributes to people's ability to lead a long and healthy life, so the nation's cost for healthcare will be cut effectively. In conclusion, Sport is not just simply an activity to help increase people's health and live, it also plays a crucial role in the development of the country.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
have gained popularity in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world. Someone says that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
play a vital role in society. Another
Did you mean "beliefs" (noun) instead of believes (verb)?
believes
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
considered as recreation pastimes. I
totally
disagree with this statement, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
upgrade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
level,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a profit for the country's economy.

It is deniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
increase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
physical
as well
as mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
First
, since the more exercises that we do, the more well-shaped body and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
we will gain. Jogging,
for example
, if we play it
regularly
, it is able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
us strengthen bones, lose weight, and enhance metabolism of the body in the proper way.
Moreover
, it
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases, like stroke, diabetes as our immune systems
are strengthened
by doing exercises.

Besides
the beneficial that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
effect on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, it
also
Did you mean "makes"?
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much profit in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
develop the country's tourism. World Cup,
for instance
, it attracts
Use "a million" or use a number before 'million'.
million
spectators all over the world to
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "gather".
gather up
at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
hostal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is able to take advantage to advert the cultures, landscapes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
activities provide one of the most cost-effective forms of preventative medicine. This means that participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
contributes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's ability to lead a long and healthy life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the nation's cost for healthcare will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
effectively
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
simply
an activity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
increase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
, it
also
plays a crucial role in the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more children are addicted to electronic games. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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