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Some people think that parents have a powerful influence in a child’s life, while the influence from outside the home plays a bigger part in a child’s development. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that parents have a powerful influence in a child’s life, while the influence from outside the home plays a bigger part in a child’s development. v. 1
Although dressing is one of the most personal decisions of each person, yet many people judge the background of others based on their dress. In this essay, I will state the reasons why I believe that such judgment is justified. First of all, I completely disagree with the notion advanced by some that the choice of clothing does not represent the culture of the wearer. I hold this opinion because the people who say the style is a personal preference do not consider the circumstances which have led to such preference. To illustrate this point, I find apt to include my personal experience with a village man. I once met a poor man who came from a remote, conservative area of Pakistan. I wanted to gift him some clothes, so I being a city dweller offered him a pair of jeans. To my surprise, he shyly refused the present and said that he cannot wear it as he feels shy in wearing those skin-tight clothes compared to his traditional flowy attire. This made me realize that a dress not only acts as a visual embellishment of the body but is also representative of the values of the wearer. Secondly, people say that while the above observation may be true for traditional dresses, its effect is greatly lowered in professional settings where people dress for the office environment. Here, too, I express my disagreement with this argument on the ground that saves the uniformed forces, all other jobs allow for some kind of personalization. For instance, people cloaked in typical business attire can still manifest their internal feelings by wearing a certain colored tie or socks. Moreover, many people always wear jewelry for religious reasons. All these modifications to the otherwise typical and unoriginal dresses are usually sufficient to tell about a person’s culture and background. In conclusion, it is evident from the points discussed above that clothes say a lot about the wearer. It is not difficult to make accurate guesses about a person’s character or culture by having a good look at his overall appearance
Although dressing is one of the most personal decisions of each person,
yet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
judge the background of others based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dress
. In this essay, I will state the reasons why I believe that such judgment
is justified
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I completely disagree with the notion advanced by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the choice of clothing does not represent the culture of the wearer. I hold this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who say the style is a personal preference do not consider the circumstances which have led to such preference. To illustrate this point, I find apt to include my personal experience with a village
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
. I once met a poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who came from a remote, conservative area of Pakistan. I wanted to gift him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
clothes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I being a city dweller offered him a pair of jeans. To my surprise, he
shyly
refused the present and said that he cannot wear it as he feels shy in wearing those skin-tight clothes compared to his traditional flowy attire. This made me realize that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dress
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
acts as a visual embellishment of the body
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is
also
representative of the values of the wearer.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that while the above observation may be true for traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dresses
, its effect is
greatly
lowered in professional settings where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dress
for the office environment. Here, too, I express my disagreement with this argument on the ground that saves the uniformed forces, all other jobs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of personalization.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cloaked in typical business attire can
still
manifest their internal feelings by wearing a certain colored tie or socks.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always wear jewelry for religious reasons. All these modifications to the
otherwise
typical and unoriginal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dresses
are
usually
sufficient to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
about a person’s culture and background.

In conclusion
, it is evident from the points discussed above that clothes say a lot about the wearer. It is not difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
accurate guesses about a person’s character or culture by having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
look at his
overall
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
appearance
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that parents have a powerful influence in a child’s life, while the influence from outside the home plays a bigger part in a child’s development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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