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Some companies sponsor sports as a way of advertising themselves. Some people think that it is good. Others think there are disadvantages to this. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some companies sponsor sports as a way of advertising themselves. Some people think that it is good. Others think there are disadvantages to this. v. 1
It is believed by a fraction of the masses that activities such as music and painting have added nil value in people’s standard of living and so the government should stop allocating their budget on it. I completely agree with this notion since there are other immediate projects which require significant funding and have a greater impact on people’s life. To embark on, information technology is the need of an hour, and by investing in this sector the government can further improve it. Needless to say that due to technological advancement people’s life change a lot and they become more modernized. Task and duties which require significant time and effort, now due to information technology can be done with ease and convenience. For example, electronic equipment such as laptops, laser printer, and mobile phones have increased workers' productivity. However, if the government put its investment in Arts and craft, it would have no output of it and have limited benefits to certain individuals. Another reason why the government should not invest in Artwork is that it provides limited benefits to the state. This is because the cost to build a museum is in million dollars but on the other hand, the revenue which earns as a result of this investment is fairly low. Sometimes the government cannot recover its initial cost from certain art events. London Museum, for instance, has an annual expenditure of one billion dollars, this, in turn, generates only 500 million dollars every year, which evidently a loss-making project for the government. Conversely, if the government can invest in building a new industry, it would be a lucrative investment for them and also has an economic benefit to the government. In conclusion, it is suggested by some people that arts activities are useless and have limited value and the government should stop spending in this sector. While I completely support their view, I believe other important sector science and technology has changed people life a lot and thus require huge funding.
It
is believed
by a fraction of the masses that activities such as music and painting have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
nil value in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
standard of living and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
allocating their budget on it. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion since there are other immediate projects which require significant funding and have a greater impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life.

To embark on, information technology is the need of an hour, and by investing in this sector the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
it. Needless to say that due to technological advancement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lot and
they become more modernized. Task and duties which require significant time and effort,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
due to information technology can
be done
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
and convenience.
For example
, electronic equipment such as laptops, laser printer, and mobile phones have increased workers' productivity.
However
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
put its investment in Arts and craft, it would have no output of it and have limited benefits to certain individuals.

Another reason why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not invest in Artwork is that it provides limited benefits to the state. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the cost to build a museum is in
Use "a million" or use a number before 'million'.
million
dollars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the other hand
, the revenue which earns
as a result
of this investment is
fairly
low.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
cannot recover its initial cost from certain art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. London Museum,
for instance
, has an annual expenditure of one billion dollars, this, in turn, generates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
500 million dollars every year, which
evidently
a loss-making project for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
Conversely
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can invest in building a new industry, it would be a lucrative investment for them and
also
has an economic benefit to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

In conclusion
, it
is suggested
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that arts activities are useless and have limited value and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
spending in this sector. While I completely support their view, I believe other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sector science and technology has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
life a lot and
thus
require huge funding.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some companies sponsor sports as a way of advertising themselves. Some people think that it is good. Others think there are disadvantages to this. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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