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A family has a great influence on children’s development, but the outside of home play a bigger part in children’s life. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

A family has a great influence on children’s development, but the outside of home play a bigger part in children’s life. v. 2
Children’s development are affected from both domestic rearing as well as social environment. Personally, I in terms of children’s character shaping and individual well-being in the future, family counts more than the outer environment. It is commonly believed that the strong bond between parents and children easily builds up intimate relationship and thus equipping children the ability to feel and share love. As the children reared by authority organization such as hospital and orphanage tends to risk developmental impairment, especially in mental aspects. Fail to build a sense of belonging and deficient for evoking sympathy featuring in those kids who are deprived of their family in an early age. Despite the emotional deficiency, a child who is secluded from parents shows less social awareness when entering adulthood. While those born in a harmonious family and grow up with careful upbringing often hold a positive attitude towards life and may easily feel satisfied and gratitude. However, the experience from the outside, socializing and competition for example, develops the ability that emphasized by workforce and leadership. The comfort and peaceful atmosphere provided by family shows less helpful in terms of employable ability needed in workplace, and only through bruise and humiliation of stepping outside, can an individual eventually be regarded as grown up. But, the premise of whether an individual could successfully integrate into social life is that he/ she is capable of dealing with the negative impact of socializing or not, or more concisely, the influence of his/her family. Without a sound and healthy childhood experience, one more often than not encounter obstacle in friend-making and building fellowship. Therefore family shows a more far-reaching influence than the outside. In conclusion, family education pose a vital impact on children’s future, it may less obvious than the sharp honing from social interaction, yet subtly determines the way an individual makes decision and behaviour.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
development are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
from both domestic rearing
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
environment.
Personally
, I in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
character shaping and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
well-being in the future,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
counts more than the outer environment.

It is
commonly
believed that the strong bond between parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
easily
builds up intimate relationship and
thus
equipping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the ability to feel and share
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
reared by authority organization such as hospital and orphanage tends to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
developmental impairment,
especially
in mental aspects. Fail to build a sense of belonging and deficient for evoking sympathy featuring in those kids who
are deprived
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in an early age. Despite the emotional deficiency, a child who
is secluded
from parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
awareness when entering adulthood. While those born in a harmonious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and grow up with careful upbringing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
hold a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude towards life and may
easily
feel satisfied and gratitude.

However
, the experience from the outside, socializing and competition
for example
, develops the ability that emphasized by workforce and leadership. The comfort and peaceful atmosphere provided by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
less helpful in terms of employable ability needed in workplace, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
through bruise and humiliation of stepping outside, can an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
eventually
be regarded
as grown up.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the premise of whether an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
could
successfully
integrate into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
life is that he/ she is capable of dealing with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact of socializing or not, or more
concisely
, the influence of his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Without a sound and healthy childhood experience, one more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not encounter obstacle in friend-making and building fellowship.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a more far-reaching influence than the outside.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
education pose a vital impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
future, it may less obvious than the sharp honing from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
interaction,
yet
subtly
determines the way an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
decision and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay A family has a great influence on children’s development, but the outside of home play a bigger part in children’s life. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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