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Some people think that non-academic subjects (eg physical education and cookery ) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects? v.2

Some people think that non-academic subjects (eg physical education and cookery ) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects? v. 2
Highly experienced people claim that non-academic subjects at schools, such as physical education and cookery could be removed from the syllabus, students can concentrate on their academic subjects. I disagree with this notion because of another subject is also essential for every pupil. It is generally axiomatic that education plays an indispensable role in building a successful career of a person. The main advantage of the non-academic subject is that every student can easily enhance their knowledge of extra-curricular activities which can lead to the development of every person in their life. For example, as the students know about physical education, then they could not grapple any problem about health issues and it may help to build the confidence level of the students in every field of work. Eventually, people can start participating in such activity of non-academic subjects around the globe, like International tournaments. Moving further, even if the people learn both academic and other subjects since they can easily do higher education in a foreign country which can assist them to broaden the horizons of insight of distinctive things in their life span. For instance, a Cambridge study revealed that today, more and more learners migrate abroad for a bright future, if the children learn cooking at school, then they can easily cook any type of food without any help of the mother. In the long run, the enhancement of every student and a nation could increase in the world in the future. To end, although it is a decent way to learn academic and non-academic subjects due to which they can get a chance to enhance their knowledge and develop several skills in their career.
Highly
experienced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at schools, such as physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and cookery could
be removed
from the syllabus,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can concentrate on their academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. I disagree with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is
also
essential for every pupil.

It is
generally
axiomatic that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
plays an indispensable role in building a successful career of a person. The main advantage of the non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can
easily
enhance their knowledge of extra-curricular activities which can lead to the development of every person in their life.
For example
, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
know about physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, then they could not grapple any problem about health issues and it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to build the confidence level of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in every field of work.
Eventually
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
participating in such activity of non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
around the globe, like International tournaments.

Moving
further
, even if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
learn both academic and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
since they can
easily
do higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in a foreign country which can assist them to broaden the horizons of insight of distinctive things in their life span.
For instance
, a Cambridge study revealed that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, more and more learners migrate abroad for a bright future, if the children learn cooking at school, then they can
easily
cook any type of food without any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the mother. In the long run, the enhancement of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
and a nation could increase in the world in the future.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, although it is a decent way to learn academic and non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
due to which they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to enhance their knowledge and develop several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in their career.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that non-academic subjects (eg physical education and cookery ) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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