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Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.5

Without any doubt society is divided into two groups as per the distinct mindset of different people. Therefore, this has become a debatable issue weather music plays a significant role in society or it is just a source of entertainment. This essay will not only cast light on both perspectives but also my point of view will be elaborated in conclusion. To commence with the first notion, there are numerous reasons how music has played a vital role in community. First and most prominent one is that it has a massive impact on individual's mind. These is because music can easily change people's mode that helps them to reduce stress level and also enhance their productivity and happiness. As a result, in many psychiatric treatment music therapy is used to improve mental condition. To justify the same there is an example of the USA, recently a survey conducted by The Oxford University proved that music therapy works better on psychological disordered patients; therefore in many hospitals this therapy is provided with other treatments. Secondly, music is not only source of enjoyment but also gives opportunity to make career in musical industries such music writer, music composer. In addition, there are number of songs like patriotic songs and national anthem which have some cultural values and represent the identity of particular nation. Moving towards the second argument of this debate, the first point of this issue is that due to hectic schedule individuals necessitate certain source of relaxation and music is one of them. I other words, whenever people feel tiredness or sad, they prefer to listen the music to relax. Another point is that it makes any occasion and festivals more memorable and enjoyable so a person can easily share his or her feelings. Thus, music is consider as a mean of entertainment in boring situations and whenever a person feels sadness and tired. In conclusion, having discussed both of the argument, I personally believe that music is not only source of relaxation but also provides enormous benefits to society such as gives opportunities to make career, carry the cultural value and useful in medical treatments as well.
Without any doubt society
is divided
into two groups as per the distinct mindset of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Therefore
, this has become a debatable issue weather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays a significant role in
Use a comma before ‘or’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society or
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of entertainment. This essay will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cast light on both perspectives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
my point of view will
be elaborated
in conclusion
.

To commence with the
first
notion, there are numerous reasons how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has played a vital role in community.
First
and most prominent one is that it has a massive impact on individual's mind.
The verb ‘is’ is singular. Did you mean: “This is” or “These are”?
These is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's mode that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level and
also
enhance their productivity and happiness.
As a result
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
psychiatric treatment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
therapy is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
mental condition. To justify the same there is an example of the USA, recently a survey conducted by The Oxford University proved that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
therapy works better on psychological disordered patients;
therefore
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hospitals this therapy
is provided
with other treatments.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of enjoyment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
gives opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
career in musical industries such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
writer,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
composer.
In addition
, there are
It seems that an article is missing. Did you mean “a number of”?
number of
songs like patriotic songs and national anthem which have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cultural values and represent the identity of particular nation.

Moving towards the second argument of this debate, the
first
point of this issue is that due to hectic schedule individuals necessitate certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of relaxation and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is one of them.
Did you mean “in” or “is”?
I
other words, whenever
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel tiredness or sad, they prefer to listen the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to relax. Another point is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
any occasion and festivals more memorable and
Use a comma before ‘so’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
enjoyable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
a person can
easily
share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
feelings.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
Consider using either the past participle “considered” or the present participle “considering” here.
consider
as a mean of entertainment in boring situations and whenever a person feels sadness and tired.

In conclusion
, having discussed both of the argument, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of relaxation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provides enormous benefits to society such as gives opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
career, carry the cultural value and useful in medical treatments
as well
.
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IELTS essay some people think that music plays an important role in society. others think it is simply a form of entertainment.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
358 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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