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Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others thinks it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion. v.3

Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others thinks it is simply a form of entertainment. v. 3
It is often argued whether music has a crucial place in society or if it is only about entertainment. I think music is important because it gives us a hint of the culture and history of a particular society. I will discuss both sides throughout this essay. Music has existed for quite a long time in almost all cultures. Since the tools and gadgets vary from region to region, musical instruments also show diversity depending on the availability of materials to make music in that specific place. For this reason, we can learn many crucial details about the culture and history of former nations by looking through their way of making music. For example, Folk music has existed in many countries but has different rhythms and melodies inside of it based upon the different instruments, inspiration from historical events, emotions and life experiences. On the other hand, some people argue that music has no other role than simple enjoyment. Nowadays, many different countries follow the same global trends, therefore their way of making music is also similar. Concerts, shows, and musicals give people a great number of options, however, in terms of representing cultures, they are extremely weak. For example, many people go out to bars and pubs to get relaxed and be entertained. These places offer their customers live music with local and sometimes nation-wide bands and singers who only perform popular and trendy songs. For this reason, they believe music is currently only for entertainment. To conclude, although in recent years music is being mainly produced for entertainment due to global trends and expressions, I believe music is tremendously important since it allows us to understand former nations’ histories and cultures.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has a crucial place in society or if it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about entertainment. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it gives us a hint of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and history of a particular society. I will discuss both sides throughout this essay.

Music has existed for quite a long time in almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
. Since the tools and gadgets vary from region to region, musical instruments
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
diversity depending on the availability of materials to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in that specific place.
For this reason
, we can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
crucial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and history of former nations by looking through their way of making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
For example
, Folk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has existed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
rhythms and melodies
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "inside".
inside of
it based upon the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
instruments, inspiration from historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, emotions and life experiences.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has no other role than simple enjoyment. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries follow the same global trends,
therefore
their way of making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
also
similar. Concerts,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, and musicals give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
a great number of options,
however
, in terms of representing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, they are
extremely
weak.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
go out to bars and pubs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relaxed and
be entertained
. These places offer their customers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
with local and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
nation-wide bands and singers who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
perform popular and trendy songs.
For this reason
, they believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
currently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for entertainment.

To conclude
, although in recent
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "years'" or "year's"?
years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is being
mainly
produced for entertainment due to global trends and expressions, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
tremendously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
since it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
us to understand former nations’ histories and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others thinks it is simply a form of entertainment. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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