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Some people think that music is a good way of bringing people of different culteres and ages together. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that music is a good way of bringing people of different culteres and ages together. v. 1
Music is thought by some to be an adept method to bond people from all walks of life, not depending on their cultures or ages. In my opinion, while music is one of the elusive tools which can serve as a way of assembling people of different nations, it is not the same with the people of different age groups. Music is like an international language which can be understood by people from every nation. Because the spiritual influence of music strongly depends on the way it was composed and is performed, music lovers do not pay much attention to the lyrics. `Felicita`, which is the name of a famous Italian song and means happiness in that language, for example, is listened by the citizens of an array of countries, although those people do not understand any single Italian word. Consequently, music will have a strong influence to destroy language and cultural barriers among peoples, creating a common interest among all of them. Conversely, musical taste is directly related to people`s maturity level, making them have confrontations in terms of music genres. It is known that teenagers tend to listen to the types of songs which their parents can not tolerate. Due to psychological changes they experience during the period of adolescence, they prefer music genres like rock and metal, which trigger their rebellious characters. However, as people get older, they turn to more emotionally positive and relaxed music pieces. Therefore, they start listening to Jazz and classical music so that their tastes would match their more sophisticated minds. In conclusion, although music plays an invaluable role in bringing people of different nations together, it can not serve the same role in terms of age, owing to the generation gap existing young and aged people.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to be an adept method to bond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all walks of life, not depending on their cultures or ages. In my opinion, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is one of the elusive tools which can serve as a way of assembling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations, it is not the same with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
age groups.

Music is like an international language which can
be understood
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from every nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the spiritual influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
strongly
depends on the way it
was composed
and
is performed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
lovers do not pay much attention to the lyrics. `
Possible spelling mistake found.
Felicita
`, which is the name of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
Italian song and means happiness in that language,
for example
,
is listened
by the citizens of an array of countries, although those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not understand any single Italian word.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
will have a strong influence to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
language and cultural barriers among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
, creating a common interest among all of them.

Conversely
, musical taste is
directly
related to
The character between 'people' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "people’s" (curly apostrophe) or "people's" (straight apostrophe).
people`s
maturity level, making them have confrontations in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
genres. It
is known
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
tend to listen to the types of songs which their parents can not tolerate. Due to psychological
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
they experience during the period of adolescence, they prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
genres like rock and metal, which trigger their rebellious characters.
However
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older, they turn to more
emotionally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and relaxed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
pieces.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
listening to Jazz and classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that their tastes would match their more sophisticated minds.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays an invaluable role in bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations together, it can not serve the same role in terms of age, owing to the generation gap existing young and aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that music is a good way of bringing people of different culteres and ages together. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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