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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.47

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. v. 47
Music is one of our life aspects that we found it the most interest. Moreover, it is well known that music is a buoyant measure of taking people from different cultures and ages together. I have strongly advocated that I have a same view with regard to the statement that say music is a good step to bring myriad citizens from different group. To begin with, music has manifold genres that's always connected to each other, for example; Jazz and Pop, R&B and EDM. In addition, the young generation is more likely to keep in touch with Rock, R&B, and EDM genre. On the other hand, the older generation has more tendency to listen to Jazz, Blues, and Pop genre. The nowadays music industry has already improved a lot since the beginning of the 21st century. Therefore, myriad kinds of music genre can be mixed into one song, and numerous of different generations can gather up and listen to this kind of song together, for instance; Lemon by Kenshi Yonezu. This song is about Kenshi’s grandfather that had already passed away, the lyrics itself have a plethora of deep meaning and contain many lyrics that related to love. Consequently, an array of people finds this song suit perfectly with their taste. The next, music has a multitude beneficial thing for our body, for example; it can reduce our stress after working or even studying for almost 12 hours. Moreover, when we have a reunion event or even a party, music will be our first priority to be included in such event because it can make us feel relaxed and make our relationship stronger than before. In a nutshell, music can bring people from different groups, so that they can become stronger.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is one of our life aspects that we found it the most interest.
Moreover
, it is well known that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a buoyant measure of taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
cultures and ages together. I have
strongly
advocated that I have a same view with regard to the statement that say
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
step to bring myriad citizens from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
group.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has manifold genres that's always connected to each other,
for example
; Jazz and Pop, R&B and EDM.
In addition
, the young generation is more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with Rock, R&B, and EDM genre.
On the other hand
, the older generation has more tendency to listen to Jazz, Blues, and Pop genre.

The nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry has already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
a lot since the beginning of the 21st century.
Therefore
, myriad kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
genre can
be mixed
into one song, and numerous of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
generations can
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "gather".
gather up
and listen to this kind of song together,
for instance
; Lemon by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kenshi
Possible spelling mistake found.
Yonezu
. This song is about
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kenshi
’s grandfather that had already passed away, the lyrics itself have a plethora of deep meaning and contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
lyrics that related to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
.
Consequently
, an array of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
finds this song suit
perfectly
with their taste.

The
next
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has a multitude beneficial thing for our body,
for example
; it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
after working or even studying for almost 12 hours.
Moreover
, when we have a reunion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
or even a party,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
will be our
first
priority to
be included
in such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us feel relaxed and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our relationship stronger than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

In a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
groups,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can become stronger.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. v. 47

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
291 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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