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Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contibute towards happiness?

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness? v. 3
Nowadays most of the people thinks that money is the one and only factor which provides happiness, whereas also some people are there who thinks money is not the key part to gain happiness. As per my opinion not only money can buy happiness, There are lots of other factors like family and friends which are also valuable for happiness. I will discuss both the views on promoting happiness with money and without money. On the one side, money becomes more valuable nowadays, because everything is too expensive, Firstly jewellery items are the common part for everyone means almost majority of people needs that in their life for their own purpose or to gift that to someone. Secondly, people get happiness by exploring world by travelling countries, so for that people needs money. Like average indian people makes at least one foreign trip during vacation with their family. On the other hand, money can't buy family or friends in their life. Family and friends are the key part of person's life, without them they are nothing. There are lots of advantages of having family and friends by our side, As an example by sharing sorrow in the family anyone can get help from their family, as well as also family and friends help in someone's hard time. And that's how people gets happiness. To sum up, money is the essential part for promoting happiness, like fullfilling their dreams by the help of money. In contrast also people can be happy without much money.
Nowadays most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that
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money
is the one and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
factor which provides
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happiness
, whereas
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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people
are there who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
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money
is not the key
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part
to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. As per my opinion not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, There are lots of other factors like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
which are
also
valuable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. I will discuss both the views on promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and without money.

On the one side,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
becomes more valuable nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everything is too expensive,
Firstly
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
items are the common
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part
for everyone means almost majority of
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people
needs that in their life for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
purpose or to gift that to someone.
Secondly
,
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
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happiness
by exploring world by travelling countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
for that
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
needs
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money
. Like average
Possible spelling mistake found.
indian
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
makes
at least one foreign trip during vacation with their family.

On the other hand
,
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money
can't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
or
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friends
in their life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
and
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friends
are the key
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of person's life, without them they are nothing. There are lots of advantages of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
by our side, As an example by sharing sorrow in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
anyone can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
as well
as
also
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family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in someone's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time. And that's how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
gets
happiness.

To sum up,
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money
is the essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
for promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, like
Possible spelling mistake found.
fullfilling
their dreams by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
contrast
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be happy without much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
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To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contibute towards happiness?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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