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Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? what other factors contribute towards happiness? v.2

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? what other factors contribute towards happiness? v. 2
Money plays a significant role in people's life. But money cannot buy all the happiness. In my opinion, even with less money, an individual can lead a joyful life, and there are various other aspects that lead to happiness. To begin with, some copious people live below poverty life. Their earnings are comparatively lesser than many, but still, they lead a happy life. Money is required for fulfilling the basic needs, but it does not mean that the higher you earn more happiness. For example, celebrities earn millions, but in the news, we hear the miserable family life they lead. Most of them have broken marriages, have more tension, stress and so on. In spite of earning more money, they find it hard to get happiness in their life. On the other hand, there are other aspects of life where happiness can be found. Family and friends are the most essential aspect that an individual should treasure in his life. Whenever a person is having any problem in his life, he can approach his friends and family for any support. A person can be joyful when he is out with his partner and children. Leading a proper family life can be the most cheerful moment in any person's life. For example, in a recent interview by a CEO of a top MNC said that he hardly spends time with his family and friends and have forgotten when he had a happy moment last. Despite having a huge bank balance, he regrets that he has not spent any happy moments with his family and friends. To conclude, money is needed to take care of one's basic necessity but losing family and friends to earn more money can prove a wrong decision in life.
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Money
plays a significant role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
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life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. In my opinion, even with less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, an individual can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
a joyful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, and there are various other aspects that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to happiness.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
copious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
below poverty
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life
. Their earnings are
comparatively
lesser than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
, they
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lead
a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is required
for fulfilling the basic needs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not mean that the higher you earn more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
For example
, celebrities earn millions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in the news, we hear the miserable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
. Most of them have broken marriages, have more tension,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
earning more
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money
, they find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in their life.

On the other hand
, there are other aspects of
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life
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
can
be found
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
are the most essential aspect that an individual should treasure in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Whenever a person is having any problem in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, he can approach his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
for any support. A person can be joyful when he is out with his partner and children. Leading a proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
can be the most cheerful moment in any person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, in a recent interview by a CEO of a top
Possible spelling mistake found.
MNC
said that he hardly spends time with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and have forgotten when he had a happy moment last. Despite having a huge bank balance, he regrets that he has not spent any happy moments with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is needed
to take care of one's basic necessity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
losing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
to earn more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can prove a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decision in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? what other factors contribute towards happiness? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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