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Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness? v. 1
It is believed that money is a contributing factor to happiness because people buy what they want when they have the means to. I think that without this means, individuals can attain happiness through other factors such as their relationships with their loved ones. Money became a crucial part of people’s lives. It became the benefactor of people’s happiness due to its sustenance for it gives them their daily basic needs and their desires. These achievements feed their egotistical behaviour, increasing their self-esteem. For instance, studies showed that human beings are driven to work hard because of the salary for it provides food on the table, clothes them, and builds their houses. The routine of getting money and being rewarded with anything that humans buy increases their morale, hence making them happy. On the other hand, humankind has the capability of acquiring happiness even though they have lesser money. It is not solely caused by income for this comes from within. It is motivated by several factors, one of which would be their relationships with their loved ones. Families and friends reciprocate feelings of love and care that produces dopamine, the happy hormone. For example, research showed that 83% of individuals who are feeling good about themselves, who are feeling loved and who are sharing their love with their significant others tend to have higher dopamine levels compared to that of humans whose happiness were driven by money. In conclusion, humankind has different sources of happiness and to some, money is the most essential one. Others acquire higher dopamine levels through compassion and relationships given by their families and friends.
It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a contributing factor to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
what they want when they have the means to. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that without this means, individuals can attain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors such as their relationships with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.

Money became a crucial part of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It became the benefactor of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
due to its sustenance for it gives them their daily basic needs and their desires. These achievements feed their egotistical
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, increasing their self-esteem.
For instance
, studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that human beings
are driven
to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the salary for it provides food on the table, clothes them, and builds their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. The routine of getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
being rewarded
with anything that humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
increases their morale,
hence
making them happy.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, humankind has the capability of acquiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
even though
they have lesser
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. It is not
solely
caused by income for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from within. It
is motivated
by several factors, one of which would be their relationships with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones. Families and friends reciprocate feelings of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and care that produces dopamine, the happy hormone.
For example
, research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 83% of individuals who are feeling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
about themselves, who are feeling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
and who are sharing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with their significant others tend to have higher dopamine levels compared to that of humans whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
were driven
by money.

In conclusion
, humankind has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the most essential one. Others acquire higher dopamine levels through compassion and relationships
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by their families and friends.

IELTS essay Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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