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Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. v. 2
Whether or not modern technology has make individuals willing to talk and do activities with other people is now a debate. While some people argue that it has improves the social life of individuals, others disagree. In my opinion, although advancements in technology bring benefits, they have brought unwillingness of people to socialize physically because of addiction to devices, especially TV and computers. On one hand, some individuals believe that in this new century, improvements in technology, mainly computers have make people more sociable. In other words, there is a desire to relate with individuals irrespective of race mainly because there is an opportunity to connect globally. Computers such as laptops, and smartphones are commonly used to communicate with people worldwide. As a result, there are positive opportunities, particularly employment, marriage proposal and business, as well as sharing values with people without fear of inferiority complex or competition. On the other hand, there are some other people who argue that growth in technology is now making individuals, mostly young adults, less sociable, and I agree with this. This is as a result of people getting addicted to technological devices such as TV and computers, and they no longer have interest in face to face social events around them. For instance, a survey done by Modern Technology Management, in 2018, showed that 90% of young adults do not attend both family and friends party, rather they are at home using gadgets. For this reason, there is an alert on the increase in the rate of health issues such as migraine, eye problems and depression from constant use of technological devices and no physical relationship with people. In conclusion, even though technology improvements have boost morals of people and given opportunities to them, the addiction of people to these devices has a huge effect on relationships and health. If awareness and caution on when and how to use technological devices are not taken serious, there will be increase in health problems.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
willing to talk and do activities with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a debate. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the social life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
, others disagree. In my opinion, although advancements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
bring benefits, they have brought unwillingness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to socialize
physically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of addiction to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
,
especially
TV and computers.

On one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
believe that in this new century, improvements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
mainly
computers have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more sociable. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, there is a desire to relate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
irrespective of race
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is an opportunity to connect globally. Computers such as laptops, and smartphones are
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to communicate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
worldwide.
As a result
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
opportunities,
particularly
employment, marriage proposal and business,
as well
as sharing values with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without fear of inferiority complex or competition.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who argue that growth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
,
mostly
young adults, less sociable, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this. This is
as a result
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
getting addicted to technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
such as TV and computers, and they no longer have interest in face to face social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
around them.
For instance
, a survey done by Modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
Management, in 2018,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 90% of young adults do not attend both family and friends party,
rather
they are at home using gadgets.
For this reason
, there is an alert on the increase in the rate of health issues such as migraine, eye problems and depression from constant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
and no physical relationship with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
improvements have boost morals of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
opportunities to them, the addiction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
has a huge effect on relationships and health. If awareness and caution on when and how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are not taken serious, there will be increase in health problems.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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