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In some countries, children under 16 years old are not allowed to leave school by law and get full-time work. Is this a good or bad thing? Discuss your opinion. v.1

In some countries, children under 16 years old are not allowed to leave school by law and get full-time work. Is this a good or bad thing? Discuss your opinion. v. 1
Most of the countries in the world today have strong laws to restrict underage working and to make the school attendance a necessity for the children under 16 years old. I believe this is a good development based on several factors which I will discuss in this essay. Firstly, studies have proven that the teenagers who find permanent employments tend to lack in the physical and mental development. The youngsters who work during their early years only managed to find the jobs that required physical work rather than desk work. Hence, they have the tasks such as heavy lifting in order to get paid which will eventually affect their physical development. Moreover, the young minds need exercises such as mathematical questions to build their cognitive capabilities. But, doing such jobs would not provide the exercises needed for them. As a result, unintelligent future generation would be produced. Secondly, the education is considered to be the most significant factor in today's world, thus, without gaining a proper education a child's future survival will be questionable. The world today is driven by the technological innovations. Hence, every child must has the knowledge of the technology and the future world. Otherwise, they would find it difficult to face the tomorrow because in the future every person must be technically literate in order to live their lives. Therefore, without going through the school system at young ages any person would not be able to face the future. To recapitulate, it is a good thing that the governments today are enforcing the policies to prohibit the child employment because it could encourage the parents and children to find the values of systematic education.
Most of the countries in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
have strong laws to restrict underage working and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the school attendance a necessity for the children under 16 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. I believe this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
development based on several factors which I will discuss in this essay.

Firstly
, studies have proven that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
permanent employments tend to lack in the physical and mental development. The youngsters who work during their early years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
managed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
the jobs that required physical work
rather
than desk work.
Hence
, they have the tasks such as heavy lifting in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid which will
eventually
affect their physical development.
Moreover
, the young minds need exercises such as mathematical questions to build their cognitive capabilities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, doing such jobs would not provide the exercises needed for them.
As a result
, unintelligent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
generation would
be produced
.

Secondly
, the education
is considered
to be the most significant factor in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
thus
, without gaining a proper education a child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
survival will be questionable. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
is driven
by the technological innovations.
Hence
, every child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
The verb 'must' requires the base form of the verb: "have"
has
the knowledge of the technology and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
Otherwise
, they would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
it difficult to face the tomorrow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
every person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
technically
literate in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Therefore
, without going through the school system at young ages any person would not be able to face the future.

To recapitulate, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are enforcing the policies to prohibit the child employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it could encourage the parents and children to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
the values of systematic education.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay In some countries, children under 16 years old are not allowed to leave school by law and get full-time work. Is this a good or bad thing? Discuss your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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