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Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women v. 1
In the contemporary world, it is vital to focus on the career to have a better future and comfortable living. Some people accord that focusing on career is pivotal while others opine that it is important to spend time with family. This essay will discuss both the sides and provide evidence that why it's vital to balance both. To embark on, career is most vital due to rising competition these days and for having good social status and better living. For instance, if a person is working in IT company people like to be with them and more employers would like to hire them. Thus, good job is becoming a priority these days. Another reason could exorbitantly augment in children tuition fees make people work harder and get good jobs. For example, educational tours and various types of different classes make them to earn more money. Thus, having good future for them and their children focusing on the course is a must. On the contrary side, spending moment with the family for which they earn is also pivotal. For example, a study shows that people who earns more has a less time for their home people. Which is not good for them as well as for their near one's as earlier people used to sit together and talk about the things happened all day. In today's generation barely they can even see each other. They just call their elders once in a week as they are no longer living with them. Thus, this lead to clashes among them. Therefore, spending a moment as physically being there must have a happy life. In a nutshell, focusing on the future is Pivotal, but not at the cost of ignoring family there should be a balance between both personal as well as professional life.
In the contemporary world, it is vital to focus on the career to have a better future and comfortable living.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
accord that focusing on career is pivotal while others opine that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to spend time with family. This essay will discuss both the sides and provide evidence that why it's vital to balance both.

To embark on, career is
Did you mean "the most"?
most
vital due to rising competition these days and for having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
social status and better living.
For instance
, if a person is working in IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to be with them and more employers would like to hire them.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
job is becoming a priority these days. Another reason could
exorbitantly
augment in children tuition fees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work harder and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
jobs.
For example
, educational tours and various types of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
classes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them to earn more money.
Thus
, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
future for them and their children focusing on the course is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
.

On the contrary
side, spending moment with the family for which they earn is
also
pivotal.
For example
, a study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Did you mean "earn"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
earns
more has a less time for their home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Which is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
for them
as well
as for their near one's as earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to sit together and talk about the things happened all day. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation
barely
they can even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
each other. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
call their elders once in a week as they are no longer living with them.
Thus
, this lead to clashes among them.
Therefore
, spending a moment as
physically
being there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a happy life.

In a nutshell, focusing on the future is Pivotal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not at the cost of ignoring family there should be a balance between both personal
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
professional life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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