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Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v.12

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 12
In the modern world, the work environment is changing. In this regard, considering the age of job seekers is illegal. Although the majority of individuals believe that this is a positive development, there are some people, who believe that this tendency can create some misunderstanding among people. There is no denying that if the employees are motivated, it is reasonable to not consider their maturity, when they apply for the job. In other words, elderly people can still bring benefits to the society as well as to the commercial organizations in order to run their livelihood. For example, many old people are keen to work after they resign, because they should take care of themselves and pay the bills. That is to say, there are many elderly people, who have not lost their passion to work. Accordingly, it will be a wrong idea to consider their maturity during the application process. On the other hand, there are some people, who believe that the maturity of applicants should be taken into consideration in order to hire younger employees. This is because, the modern market requires the ability of dealing with sophisticated technologies. It is widely known that the young employee on the same wave with modern tendencies. Accordingly, they know more information about advanced technologies. Consequently, they should have more value during the application process. A good illustration of this is the Western countries, where many employers are willing to hire young individuals in order to bring an innovation to their business. In conclusion, although many people believe that considering the age of applicants is critical for the prosperity of the organization, because young people can deal with modern challenges, such as new technologies, others feel that the age should be out of criteria, because some elderly employees are motivated, and can bring a profit to the business.
In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
world, the work environment is changing. In this regard, considering the age of job seekers is illegal. Although the majority of individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that this tendency can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
misunderstanding among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

There is no denying that if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are motivated
, it is reasonable to not consider their maturity, when they apply for the job.
In other words
, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
still
bring benefits to the society
as well
as to the commercial organizations in order to run their livelihood.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are keen to work after they resign,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should take care of themselves and pay the bills.
That is
to say, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who have not lost their passion to work.
Accordingly
, it will be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to consider their maturity during the application process.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the maturity of applicants should
be taken
into consideration in order to hire younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
market requires the ability of dealing with sophisticated technologies. It is
widely
known that the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
on the same wave with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
tendencies.
Accordingly
, they know more information about advanced technologies.
Consequently
, they should have more value during the application process. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is the Western countries, where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employers are willing to hire young individuals in order to bring an innovation to their business.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that considering the age of applicants is critical for the prosperity of the organization,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can deal with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
challenges, such as new technologies, others feel that the age should be out of criteria,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are motivated
, and can bring a profit to the business.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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