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Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. v. 3
It is thought by some that women are less competitive than men. I partly agree with this statement as it is related to significantly higher levels of testosterone that men have and as they still are supposed in many places throughout the world to be the ones who have to take care of their families. To begin with, one of the aspects that differs females from males are hormones and their effects on individual characters and behaviour. Testosterone is being released into male bloodstream in average five times more than we can find in female’s blood. As testosterone is known to be responsible for common features such as muscle building, sexual libido, but even the level of aggressiveness and competitiveness, this is to say that men are determined by nature to be more competitive than women. The other fact is that we live in the age when patriarchy still predominates. Undoubtedly there is a connection between the responsibilities men have and how they behave and deal with tasks, for example, at work. It can be said that they often have to compete for better working and social positions as their families rely on them significantly. However, there is an increasing amount of women who seek to throw a balance between males and females. Professions that used to be thought only for men are becoming available for women as well. Similarly, as women’s emancipation has been increasing considerably, we can see nowadays more women in high positions such as directors, politicians and even female presidents. Hence, it is clear that females are becoming more competitive than ever before as they have built the conditions to work on their careers and to show and compare their abilities with men. To conclude, I still believe that the majority of men are more competitive than the majority of women, however, the difference between genders is equalizing constantly due to the opportunities that have been able to provide for themselves.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement as it
is related
to
significantly
higher levels of testosterone that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have and as they
still
are supposed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
places throughout the world to be the ones who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of their families.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the aspects that differs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
from males are hormones and their effects on individual characters and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Testosterone is
being released
into male bloodstream in average five times more than we can find in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female’s
blood. As testosterone
is known
to be responsible for common features such as muscle building, sexual libido,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
even the level of aggressiveness and competitiveness, this is to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are determined
by nature to be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. The other fact is that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the age when patriarchy
still
predominates.
Undoubtedly
there is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
the responsibilities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have and how they behave and deal with tasks,
for example
, at work. It can
be said
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete for better working and social positions as their families rely on them
significantly
.

However
, there is an increasing amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who seek to throw a balance between males and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
. Professions that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are becoming available for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
as well
.
Similarly
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
emancipation has been increasing
considerably
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
nowadays more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in high positions such as directors, politicians and even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
presidents.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are becoming more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
as they have built the conditions to work on their careers and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
and compare their abilities with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

To conclude
, I
still
believe that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
than the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
however
, the difference between genders is equalizing
constantly
due to the opportunities that have been able to provide for themselves.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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