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Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. v. 1
Although we are currently living in the twenty first century, some individuals still think that men are naturally trying to be superior than women. This thought is certainly not true, which is why both genders are enjoying fair chances to get employed and be promoted in different industries. No one can deny that men are physically superior than women. That is why, some jobs which are physically demanding are made exclusively available for men. However, this does not mean that men are trying to make these jobs exclusive for them because of the fact that they are competitive by nature. In addition, women naturally have different brain structure than men, which provide them with the ability to think excessively about certain ideas compared to men. This not only allow women to analyse a certain topic, but also make them far more superior when competing with men. Moreover, women can pay attention to details much more than men. That is to say, females can effortlessly notice a specific weakness in their male colleague at work, which they can build upon to gain a chance of being promoted rather than their colleagues. For instance, many organisations worldwide are currently having more females in senior administrative roles, which is because of the recent trend of women empowerment orientation. In conclusion, though many people think that men are more competitive than women, many facts are suggesting the opposite. Thereby, it seems reasonable now to suggest that both genders have their definite role within our world according to their different physical and mental abilities, which was engineered by nature itself so that they can indulge together and complement each other in their everyday tasks.
Although we are
currently
living in the twenty
first
century,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
naturally
trying to be
Some adjectives derived from Latin act as both adjective and comparative. In these cases use the collocation 'to'
superior than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is
certainly
not true, which is why both genders are enjoying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
employed and
be promoted
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
industries.

No one can deny that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
physically
Some adjectives derived from Latin act as both adjective and comparative. In these cases use the collocation 'to'
superior than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
That is
why,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs which are
physically
demanding
are made
exclusively available for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
However
, this does not mean that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
these jobs exclusive for them
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
they are competitive by nature.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
naturally
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
brain structure than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, which provide them with the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
excessively
about certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
a certain topic,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them far more superior when competing with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can pay attention to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
much more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
That is
to say, females can
effortlessly
notice a specific weakness in their male colleague at work, which they can build upon to gain a chance of
being promoted
rather
than their colleagues.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
worldwide are
currently
having more females in senior administrative roles, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the recent trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
empowerment orientation.

In conclusion
, though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are more competitive than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
facts are suggesting the opposite. Thereby, it seems reasonable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
to suggest that both genders have their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
role within our world according to their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
physical and mental abilities, which
was engineered
by nature itself
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can indulge together and complement each other in their everyday tasks.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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