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Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.5

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. v. 5
Undoubtedly, traditional people work to complete their basic needs like food, shelter and clothing, but in today’s scenario, people are giving more preference to job for comfort life and stay less time with own family. Therefore, this trend creates positive and negative effects. To commence with, there are various advantages in support of work more. The most prominent one of them is that when person spend precious time at work then, his social network increase and come across with different kind of people, culture and tradition that helps to increase knowledge as well as experience. For instance, during the work period people attend global level conferences and goes through with distinguished psychological people and catch numbers of ideas about them. Secondly, if people work a lot they can make huge bank balance with the help of money an individual can buy luxurious life style as well as all kinds of facilities, which include bungalow, expensive cars, medical support and healthy food. On the other hand, downsides of spending more time at work cannot ignore. Initially, scarcity of bond with family members and enjoys less time with kids and other members of the family. Due to that kids accompanied by bad people and start to take drugs along with this forget the morals and culture of the family because of absence of parents. To illustrate, parents go to work in the morning and return at night, then child half of the day stay at school and another time lives alone, because of which love falls short. Moreover, people cannot maintain health because they do not take enough rest and most of persons are sitting jobs and do not give time for exercise which give birth to a number of diseases such as, obesity, cancer, diabetes and body aches. To conclude, there is strong disputation on both sides of the case. My personal agreement is that work and personal balance life should be maintained at the individual level.
Undoubtedly
, traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to complete their basic needs like food, shelter and clothing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s scenario,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are giving more preference to job for comfort life and stay less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Therefore
, this trend creates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.

To commence with, there are various advantages in support of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more. The most prominent one of them is that when person
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "spends".
spend
precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
then, his social network increase and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
across with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, culture and tradition that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to increase knowledge
as well
as experience.
For instance
, during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
period
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attend global level conferences and goes through with distinguished psychological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and catch numbers of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
about them.
Secondly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
a lot they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
huge bank balance with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of money an individual can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
luxurious life style
as well
as all kinds of facilities, which include bungalow, expensive cars, medical support and healthy food.

On the other hand
, downsides of spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
.
Initially
, scarcity of bond with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members and enjoys less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with kids and other members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Due to that kids accompanied by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to take drugs along with this forget the morals and culture of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of absence of parents. To illustrate, parents go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the morning and return at night, then child half of the day stay at school and another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
alone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
falls short.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot maintain health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
rest and
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the persons") or simply say "most persons".
most of persons
are sitting jobs and do not give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercise which give birth to a number of diseases such as, obesity, cancer, diabetes and body aches.

To conclude
, there is strong disputation on both sides of the case. My personal agreement is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and personal balance life should
be maintained
at the individual level.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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