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Some people think that making new friends bring more happiness, while others believe that maintaining old friends can make us happier. which one do you agree? v.1

Some people think that making new friends bring more happiness, while others believe that maintaining old friends can make us happier. which one do you agree? v. 1
Friendship is of great importance because of its effect on the people' s happiness. Some people may think that saving old friend for a long time can bring us more happiness, however, I personally do believe that making a new friend is more influential. Two main reasons are elaborated in the following paragraphs to prove this point of view. First of all, new friends increase the likelihood of being highly motivated due to its diversity. In fact, as we become familiar with a new person, we try to explore in his both character and point of views toward life. Therefore, we may find numerous interesting things by which we can have more fun in our personal life led to more feeling of happiness. My life illustrates this point clearly. I have lived in New York for more than 10 years and made a few number of friends usually related to my university and job. In the last year of living there, I have met a girl in a nightclub who was totally far from my old friends in thought and way of living. Spending some time with her, I realized that how interesting life can be if I change my previous lifestyle. In this regard, that new person boosts my motivation by providing some simple but completely diverse points of living. Secondly, only by having new friends can we easily gain new experience that may result in finding compelling strategies to deal with our current issues. In other words, our old friends convey considerable ideas and experiences during the early years, therefore, they have nothing unique to present in the following years. However, a new person has a different way of life that may enlarge our vision in which we will finally feel more delighted. My brother has a real experience in this field. He failed in all the businesses that he had started during his life. Due to his fixed friends, he was a close-mind man, consequently, he tried similar things in his new businesses but the final results were almost identical, which was a failure. Once he met a person in his apartment, and they became intimate friends after spending just a few weeks. Because of the new experiences that his new friend had, they started a new business, it was a huge success for both of them. Now, my brother feels absolutely delighted because he becomes finally successful in a business and that is commonly referred to his new friend. In sum, above from aforementioned explanations, I do believe that new friends can make us happier in compare to maintaining the old ones. In this way, we should try to broaden our mind by finding new friends.
Friendship is of great importance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its effect on the
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s happiness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
for a long time can bring us more happiness,
however
, I
personally
do believe that making a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
is more influential. Two main reasons
are elaborated
in the following paragraphs to prove this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
of view.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
increase the likelihood of being
highly
motivated due to its diversity. In fact, as we become familiar with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, we try to explore in his both character and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
of views toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Therefore
, we may find numerous interesting things by which we can have more fun in our personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
led to more feeling of happiness. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
illustrates this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
clearly
. I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
York for more than 10 years and made a
Possible agreement error. The noun number seems to be countable; consider using: "few numbers".
few number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
usually
related to my university and job. In the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of living there, I have met a girl in a nightclub who was
totally
far from my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
and way of living. Spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time with her, I realized that how interesting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
can be if I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
my previous lifestyle. In this regard, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
boosts my motivation by providing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
simple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
completely diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
of living.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
can we
easily
gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
that may result in finding compelling strategies to deal with our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
issues.
In other words
, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
convey considerable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
during the early years,
therefore
, they have nothing unique to present in the following years.
However
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
that may enlarge our vision in which we will
finally
feel more delighted. My brother has a real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in this field. He failed in all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
that he had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
during his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Due to his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, he was a close-mind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
,
consequently
, he tried similar things in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the final results were almost identical, which was a failure. Once he met a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
in his apartment, and they became intimate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
after spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a few weeks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
that his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
had, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, it was a huge success for both of them.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, my brother feels
absolutely
delighted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he becomes
finally
successful in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and
that is
commonly
referred to his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friend.

In sum, above from aforementioned explanations, I do believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us happier in compare to maintaining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
ones. In this way, we should try to broaden our mind by finding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
54Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people think that making new friends bring more happiness, while others believe that maintaining old friends can make us happier. which one do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
450 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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