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Some people think that it would be better for large companies and industry to move to regional areas outside large urban centres. Do you think the advantages of this proposition outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Some people think that it would be better for large companies and industry to move to regional areas outside large urban centres. Do you think the advantages of this proposition outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
These days, large companies have become more conscious and careful regarding the location of their offices. Some are of the notion that they should move outside the urban areas while others opine against it. I completely agree with the former as people waste precious time commuting in urban areas and also the congestion in cities affects the mind too. To begin with, it is a plight of every other corporate area that a person spends hours just to commute till office. To cite an example, in Mumbai I used to work for a big MNC which was located at the centre of the city and I used to commute for four hours every day. Later I switched to a different branch which was comparatively farther, but outside the city and there my commute time reduced to just two hours. A large company or an industry employs a large number of people and they all contribute to traffic which directly increases travel time for everyone. Hence, in urban areas, commuting has always been a daunting task and with a large number of employees in a large company it becomes even worse. In addition, there is always a sense of peace and calmness that people feel away from the daily hustle of city life. A recent research on workers of the TATA steel company of various branches concluded that people working in rural areas were less stressed and more efficient as compared to the ones placed in urban plants. Mind is more open and serene when the surroundings are also the same. Therefore, staff feel more mindful when they are away from various noises of a busy city. In conclusion, if large corporations are situated outside a city, its employees can save valuable travel time and they work with more efficiency with a peaceful and a healthy mind.
These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
have become more conscious and careful regarding the location of their offices.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
are of the notion that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
outside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
while others opine against it. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
waste precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
commuting in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and
also
the congestion in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
affects the mind too.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is a plight of every other corporate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
that a person spends hours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to commute till office. To cite an example, in Mumbai I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to work for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
Possible spelling mistake found.
MNC
which
was located
at the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
of the city and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to commute for four hours every day. Later I switched to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
branch which was
comparatively
farther,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
outside the city and there my commute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
two hours. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
or an industry employs a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
number of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people and
they all contribute to traffic which
directly
increases travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for everyone.
Hence
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, commuting has always been a daunting task and with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
number of employees in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
it becomes even worse.

In addition
, there is always a sense of peace and calmness that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel away from the daily hustle of city life. A recent research on workers of the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
TATA steel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
of various branches concluded that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
were less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and more efficient as compared to the ones placed in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
plants. Mind is more open and serene when the surroundings are
also
the same.
Therefore
, staff feel more mindful when they are away from various noises of a busy city.

In conclusion
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
corporations
are situated
outside a city, its employees can save valuable travel
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they work with more efficiency with a peaceful and a healthy mind.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people think that it would be better for large companies and industry to move to regional areas outside large urban centres. Do you think the advantages of this proposition outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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