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Some people think that it is more benefit to take part in sports which are played by a team, like football, while other think that taking part in individual sport, like tennis or swimming is better. Discuss both view and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that it is more benefit to take part in sports which are played by a team, like football, while other think that taking part in individual sport, like tennis or swimming is better. v. 2
It is undeniable that sports bring a variety of benefits to people. While many people suppose that playing individual games is the best way to gain advantages, I would argue that joining in a team is much better. On the one hand, there are double of reasons to choose one-person sports. Firstly, individual games give athletes an easier access to sharpen their independence. Indeed, sportmen playing tennis or badminton learn to manage and allocate their energy as well as wholly concentration on the matches. As a result, whether players become the champions of the competitions or not, they master some soft skills such as time-management or resource allocation which are necessary for their later life. Additionally, requiring smaller space to practices is another bright sight of individual games. It is irrefutable that, the less athletes participate in a game, the less space needed. For example, hardly can a football or basketball match be hold in a narrow location, but individual games like badminton or billiard is more practicable. On the other hand, I believe that being a part of a team to play sport is more beneficial in some ways. In the first place, players are created a favorable condition to build a strong co-operation as well as relationship with other team members. Joining in a team, not only are each teammate ‘s strengths developed but their deficiencies are addressed by others. Besides, team-members also learn to manage conflict to harmonize their friendship. Secondly, joining to a club, to some extents, athletes are more successful in branding their images and multiple their income. Let ‘s take Real Madrid football club as a telling instance, had it not been for the reputation of this club, Ronaldo - a football player in this team, would have never become famous to the peak of wining FIFA golden ball like that. In conclusion, although both individual or team sports have their own pros, I am more falling to the latter one on the ground of it highlighted benefits.
It is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
bring a variety of benefits to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suppose that playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is the best way to gain advantages, I would argue that joining in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
is much better.

On the one hand, there are double of reasons to choose one-person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
give athletes an easier access to sharpen their independence.
Indeed
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
sportmen
playing tennis or badminton learn to manage and allocate their energy
as well
as wholly concentration on the matches.
As a result
, whether players become the champions of the competitions or not, they master
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as time-management or resource allocation which are necessary for their later life.
Additionally
, requiring smaller space to practices is another bright sight of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. It is irrefutable that, the
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun athletes is countable.
less
athletes participate in a game, the less space needed.
For example
, hardly can a football or basketball match be hold in a narrow location,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like badminton or billiard is more practicable.

On the other hand
, I believe that being a part of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is more beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways. In the
first
place, players
are created
a favorable condition to build a strong co-operation
as well
as relationship with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
members. Joining in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
are each teammate ‘s strengths developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their deficiencies
are addressed
by others.
Besides
, team-members
also
learn to manage conflict to harmonize their friendship.
Secondly
, joining to a club, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extents, athletes are more successful in branding their images and multiple their income.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
‘s take Real Madrid football club as a telling instance, had it not been for the reputation of this club, Ronaldo
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
a football player in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
, would have never become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
to the peak of wining FIFA golden ball like that.

In conclusion
, although both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pros, I am more falling to the latter one on the ground of it highlighted benefits.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that it is more benefit to take part in sports which are played by a team, like football, while other think that taking part in individual sport, like tennis or swimming is better. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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