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One of the best ways that parents can help their teenager children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v.1

One of the best ways that parents can help their teenager children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v. 1
We are living in a competitive society with many young people graduating from colleges hunting for jobs every year, and in order to prepare for this kind of future many parents start to encourage their teenage children to take a part time job to get ready. Personally speaking, I think this is a reasonable action and I will explain my reasons in this essay. First of all, taking a part time job can help children get an idea of how hard it is to make money. As children, most of us basically don' t give much care about what it takes to earn the money we ask from our parents every day. So why wait until adulthood to discover it when taking a part-time job can teach children this lesson, which can seemingly help them get prepared. What' s more. Because of the lack of skills and knowledge, the young can almost only doing some unpleasant part-time jobs involving physical labor. This might also motivate them to study hard in the school to avoid this kind of future. So the part-time jobs can offers enough education about life so it won' t be a waste of time. Secondly, the kind of experience can help children learn how to deal with social relationship. Back in school we have lots of freedom on choosing with whom we can be with, but when it comes to full-time jobs when we are adults, we have no choice but to work with the same colleagues every week, no matter we like them or not. So part-time jobs can well offer teenagers a chance to get a taste of it, how it feels like to work with other, and practice handling social relationships to some extent. So part-time jobs get the young prepared for future jobs in term of relationships. However some people believe part-time jobs can distract students from their main goal, studying hard. But the young don’t have to take such jobs during semesters, instead they can work in summer holiday when they have lots of spare time. In a nutshell, because part-time jobs can teach students the money doesn' t come easily and give them some experience of social relationships, parents can encourage their young to take a part-time job to get ready for adulthood.
We are living in a competitive society with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
graduating from colleges hunting for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
every year, and in order to prepare for this kind of future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to encourage their teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to take a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ready.
Personally
speaking, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is a reasonable action and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my reasons in this essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, taking a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
it is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, most of us
basically
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t give much care about what it takes to earn the money we ask from our parents every day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
why wait until adulthood to discover it when taking a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
this lesson, which can
seemingly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
prepared.
Possible spelling mistake found.
What&
#039; s more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the lack of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
can almost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unpleasant part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
involving physical labor. This might
also
motivate them to study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in the school to avoid this kind of future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can offers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
education about life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
Possible spelling mistake found.
won&
#039; t be a waste of time.

Secondly
, the kind of experience can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn how to deal with social relationship. Back in school we have lots of freedom on choosing with whom we can be with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
when we are adults, we have no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to work with the same colleagues every week, no matter we like them or not.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can well offer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a taste of it, how it feels like to work with other, and practice handling social relationships to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
prepared for future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in term of relationships.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can distract students from their main goal, studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
don’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
during semesters,
instead
they can work in summer holiday when they have lots of spare time.

In a nutshell,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can teach students the money
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
easily
and give them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
experience of social relationships, parents can encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
to take a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ready for adulthood.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the best ways that parents can help their teenager children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
382 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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