Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.4

Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. v. 4
It is believed that participating in sports that played in groups brings a numerous of benefits to people, whereas, engaging the individual sports such as running or swimming is more helpful. In my point of view, each game has its own positive impacts on people. This essay will be discussed about both views side. On the one hand, team sports will provide players the socializing and communication skill with others in the society. To begin with, the citizens would be improved in their communication and team work, so it will impact gradually on their working environment, not only when taking part in team sports. For example, my friend is a very shy person, but my teacher had encouraged him a lot and let him in a basketball team which is a good environment for him to increase his skill, and a month ago, he has become the most talkative and friendly person in my class. Team sports bring a significant amount of daily life’s values due to each individual is a part of the group. On the other hand, individual sports bring us the interpersonal skill which is really good for the future career. Initially, participating in individual sports will be a challenge for us because when we have an ambition, we will try our best to gain the successful results. For example, Anh Vien, who is the female swimmer in Vietnam, has challenged herself to swim 4 kilometers in short time, thanks to her hard-working training hours she had got 7 gold medals in SEA game 29. Besides, the individual games require the people to get over all difficulties when they have troubles without others’ help. To sum up, the sport players should take part in both types of sports due to its benefits and they would gain a lot of socializing skills which is necessary for everyone.
It
is believed
that participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
that played in groups brings
The phrase 'a numerous of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a numerous of
benefits to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, whereas, engaging the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as running or swimming is more helpful. In my point of view, each game has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. This essay will be
Did you mean simply "discussed both"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discussed about both
views side.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will provide players the socializing and communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
with others in the society. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the citizens would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
in their communication and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it will impact
gradually
on their working environment, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when taking part in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
For example
, my friend is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
shy person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
my teacher had encouraged him a lot and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
him in a basketball
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
which is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
environment for him to increase his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
, and a month ago, he has become the most talkative and friendly person in my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
bring a significant amount of daily life’s values due to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
is a part of the group.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
bring us the interpersonal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
which is
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the future career.
Initially
, participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will be a challenge for us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when we have an ambition, we will try our best to gain the successful results.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Anh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vien
, who is the female swimmer in Vietnam, has challenged herself to swim 4 kilometers in short time, thanks to her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working training hours she had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
7 gold medals in SEA game 29.
Besides
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
games require the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
over all difficulties when they have troubles without others’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.

To sum up, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
players should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in both types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
due to its
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
benefits and
they would gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
socializing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which is necessary for everyone.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts