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Some people feel that music should be taught in schools while others believe it is better to focus on the sciences. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people feel that music should be taught in schools while others believe it is better to focus on the sciences. v. 1
It is commonly believed by many that the music should be considered as an essential subject in the school curriculum. However, others tend to oppose this idea and believe that Science has more scope in the near future. In my opinion, music help students in their personal and professional career and therefore can not be replaced with the Science. Those who opine that music is not an important course to be taught in the schools, can easily point out to its limited popularity among the people. That is to say, music is not as famous as the science and technology because there are very limited people who have opt music as a career option, resulting in lack of awareness about the modern music in common people. For instance, according to the Times of New York, the University of Chicago has the highest number of students enrolled in Computer Science and Information System, with music and arts recorded as the lowest for 2020 batch. Additionally, there is a continuous growth in the field of Science, ranging from small household utilities to big space innovations. Thus, people prefer learning science skills, which are way more helpful in regular life, then wasting time in learning nonessential skills like the music. On the other hand, music has its own unique importance because it helps individual in their personal and professional growth in various ways. Firstly, special effects created with the music reduces the stress and anxiety among the youngsters, which otherwise could lead to severe level of depression. Secondly, some music has the ability to control the heart beats of the human being, which means such music can help people to reduce their blood pressure, followed by eliminating the chances of stroke. Lastly, music can be taken as a career if children gain its deep insight as a part of school curriculum. To exemplify, many of the successful musicians have learnt the basic music as a course in the school education. To conclude, some people opine that music as a career does not have a bright scope and therefore it’s a waste of time to learn it in the school. However, I believe music helps people in their personal and professional growth, which cannot be achieved through the Science.
It is
commonly
believed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be considered
as an essential subject in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum.
However
, others tend to oppose this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
has more scope in the near future. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
students in their personal and professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and
therefore
can not
be replaced
with the Science.

Those who opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
course to
be taught
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, can
easily
point out to its limited popularity among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
That is
to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
Use past participle here: "opted".
opt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
option, resulting in lack of awareness about the modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, according to the Times of New York, the University of Chicago has the highest number of students enrolled in Computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
and Information System, with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and arts recorded as the lowest for 2020 batch.
Additionally
, there is a continuous growth in the field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
, ranging from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
household utilities to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
space innovations.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, which are way more helpful in regular life, then wasting time in learning nonessential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like the music.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
unique importance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
individual in their personal and professional growth in various ways.
Firstly
, special effects created with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and anxiety among the youngsters, which
otherwise
could lead to severe level of depression.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has the ability to control the heart beats of the human being, which means such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their blood pressure, followed by eliminating the chances of stroke.
Lastly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
be taken
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
if children gain its deep insight as a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum. To exemplify,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the successful musicians have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
the basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a course in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
does not have a bright scope and
therefore
it’s a waste of time to learn it in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
However
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their personal and professional growth, which cannot
be achieved
through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that music should be taught in schools while others believe it is better to focus on the sciences. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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