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Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time. v.17

Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time. v. 17
Nowadays people are divided on the issue how to utilise leisure time effectively. One line of thought believes there should be mind-twisting activities to develop mind but on the other hand, there are those who affirm with this notion that it is better to rest. I am partial accord with this ideology. In following paragraphs, I will shed light on arguments to supporting my views. To launch into the topic, as according to some people rest is necessary to keep our mind fresh and healthy and up to some extent it is right. Giving rest to mind revitalise it, helps to think better. Moreover, as our body is not a machine, so respite is mandatory. 24 hours use of mind can cause stress and many types of health maladies. So up to some extent, it is mandatory to take a respite for some time. On the flip side, in the modern era, cut throat competition is going on in every domain, so developed minds can attain success. So these types of activities play a pivotal role in life. Activates like reading books can also play a role in broadening our knowledge, which will be helpful in later life. It can open new vistas of employment and opportunity. By solving puzzles and playing brain games, it escalates creative power of our mind, a level of thinking also develop in an effective manner. At the end of the discussion, after analysing of arguments, both sides have their reasons for their arguments. Rests, as well as the development activities, are both are equally important. At last, I am in favour of both of these. I would suggest a good balance of taking rest and engaging in mind enhancing activities in leisure time for any individual.
Nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are divided
on the issue how to
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
leisure time
effectively
. One line of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
believes there should be mind-twisting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the other hand
, there are those who affirm with this notion that it is better to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rest
. I am partial accord with this ideology. In following paragraphs, I will shed light on arguments to supporting my views.

To launch into the topic, as according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rest
is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
fresh and healthy and up to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent it is right. Giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rest
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
Possible spelling mistake. 'revitalise' is British English.
revitalise
it,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
better.
Moreover
, as our body is not a machine,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
respite is mandatory. 24 hours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
can cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of health maladies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
up to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, it is mandatory to take a respite for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time.

On the flip side, in the modern era,
'cut throat' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "cut-throat".
cut throat
competition is going on in every domain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
can attain success.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
play a pivotal role in life. Activates like reading books can
also
play a role in broadening our knowledge, which will be helpful in later life. It can open new vistas of employment and opportunity. By solving puzzles and playing brain games, it escalates creative power of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
, a level of thinking
also
develop
Consider replacing "in an effective manner" with the adverb for "effective"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an effective manner
.

At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the discussion, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
of arguments, both sides have their reasons for their arguments.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Rests
,
as well
as the development
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, are both are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. At last, I am in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of both of these. I would suggest a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
balance of taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rest
and engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
enhancing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in leisure time for any individual.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time. v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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