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Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. v.30

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. v. 30
It is certainly understandable that government should start looking at ways of improving their public facilities to a sustainable development. Government have to make a real innovation in keeping the stability of the society, which means that people should get good service from their government. There was a statement said that government should utilise the money for public importance, and do not use this money for other things like arts (music and theatre). Personally, I disagree with that statement. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support my opinion. Nowadays, to face the period of development, as a country they have to compete with other countries. Arts can offer a positive contribution to the development of the quality of life as a country. I believe that each country has their ability then they can compete with the others. For example, recently there are some world competitions related to ‘singing’ such as World Choir Competition, ASIAN Idol, etc. Every country sends their best participants to follow the competition. Two years ago, Indonesian delegate taking part in World Choir Competition held on 15–17 March 2013 at Belgium. They have to compete with 57 countries, and finally, they got gold medals for several categories. In addition, I think that if a government invests some money to arts sector, it will create many advantages for the country itself. For instance, Indonesia has talented people in painting field, it means that they can make a beautiful creation to sale. One of popular painting is ‘Monalisa’ drawing. The Painting already became everlasting painting because it was drawn by the  talented person, which the painter already creates many advantages for himself and his country. Another essential thing is people have to make a good teamwork with the government to produce huge advantages related to arts creations. In conclusion, the government should invest some money to improve arts creation because it has a big opportunity to make a country more successful.
It is
certainly
understandable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
looking at ways of improving their public facilities to a sustainable development.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a real innovation in keeping the stability of the society, which means that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
service from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. There was a statement said that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for public importance, and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for other things like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
(music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
).
Personally
, I disagree with that statement. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support my opinion.

Nowadays, to face the period of development, as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Arts
can offer a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
contribution to the development of the quality of life as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. I believe that each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has their ability then they can compete with the others.
For example
, recently there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
related to ‘singing’ such as World Choir
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Competition
, ASIAN Idol, etc. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sends
'Each', 'every', 'either' and 'neither' are used with singular and thus take a singular pronoun: "his", "her", "his or her", "its"
their
best participants to follow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
. Two years ago, Indonesian delegate taking part in World Choir
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Competition
held on 15–17 March 2013 at Belgium. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete with 57
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, and
finally
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
gold medals for several categories.

In addition
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
invests
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
sector, it will create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
itself.
For instance
, Indonesia has talented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
painting
field, it means that they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
creation to sale. One of popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
painting
is ‘
Possible spelling mistake found.
Monalisa
’ drawing. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Painting
already became everlasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
painting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
was drawn
by the
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
talented person, which the painter already creates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for himself and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Another essential thing is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
teamwork with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to produce huge advantages related to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "art".
arts
creations.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should invest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
creation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
more successful.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. v. 30

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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