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Some people think that it is good to start to work at an early age. Others feel that it is better only to study. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that it is good to start to work at an early age. Others feel that it is better only to study. v. 1
It is true that job opportunities are generally available in the city centre, that is why young people migrate to the city and leave their parents in the rural. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss the problems associated with this situation and offer possible solutions to solve the issue. There are two problems that could arise when young people leave their parents. First of all, parents will have no companion. While the siblings work in the city, their parents are left alone in the countryside with no one to speak to or bond with. For instance, when these parents get sick, there will be no one to take care of them. Moreover, it is unhealthy for old people to stay alone in the countryside because they might become depressed. Thus, young people who choose to migrate to urbanized area for job hunt can have problems in the long run. In order to prevent this, there are possible remedies to address the matter. One solution is for the government to provide job opportunities in the rural regions. Rather than going to the city center to seek for a job, these young people can apply for a job near their hometown without the need to go far. Another way to prevent this issue is for young people to visit frequently their parents in the countryside, at least once or twice a week to prevent them from being depressed or worried. Hence, these solutions can avoid future problems. In conclusion, migration to urban cities in search of a job can cause illness and lack of companionship of parents who are left unaccompanied. Nevertheless, these can be prevented from visiting their parents often and providing jobs that are available in the countryside.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities are
generally
available in the city
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
,
that is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
migrate to the city and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in the rural. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss the problems associated with this situation and offer possible solutions to solve the issue.

There are two problems that could arise when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will have no companion. While the siblings work in the city, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
with no one to speak to or bond with.
For instance
, when these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick, there will be no one to take care of them.
Moreover
, it is unhealthy for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to stay alone in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they might become depressed.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who choose to migrate to urbanized area for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
hunt can have problems in the long run.

In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this, there are possible remedies to address the matter. One solution is for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities in the rural regions.
Rather
than going to the city center to seek for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can apply for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
near their hometown without the need to go far. Another way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this issue is for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to visit
frequently
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
, at least once or twice a week to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from
being depressed
or worried.
Hence
, these solutions can avoid future problems.

In conclusion
, migration to urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
in search of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can cause illness and lack of companionship of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
unaccompanied.
Nevertheless
, these can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
from visiting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
and providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that are available in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people think that it is good to start to work at an early age. Others feel that it is better only to study. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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