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Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v.7

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v. 7
People have different perspective regarding paid work some it can be useful, others consider it negative impact to children. They can learn to value money and be a responsible person from doing paid work but there are also a problem behind that. Firstly, one of benefit of children doing paid work is that they learn to value money. Since they experienced the difficulty in doing work, they understand the worth of money. For example, they work hard to be able to earn and spend wisely their money, because they realize the work needed just to earn something. Secondly, having paid job can teach the children to be responsible individual. Having a job is a responsibility itself, because you need to finished your work in order to be paid of. This skills will be helpful to them in their future. On the other hand, there are also negative impact to the children who are doing paid work. One of the example are unable to focus on their studies. Education is one of important key to be successful in life. Although education is important, some are unfortunate to have that. Such as children who are working, they have limited time to focus on their studies. As a result of poor performance in school. Another possible issue is, it can lead to child abuse. For instance, some of the countries still don’t have enough law in protecting child labor. For this reason it can be opportunity to others to abuse the right of a child. In conclusion, while children can benefit from some work experience, it can lead to child abuse and poor performance in school.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspective regarding
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paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
it can be useful, others consider it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They can learn to value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and be a responsible person from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
a problem behind that.

Firstly
, one of benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is that they learn to value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Since they experienced the difficulty in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they understand the worth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
, they
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work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to be able to earn and spend
wisely
their
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money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they realize the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
needed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to earn something.
Secondly
, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
job can teach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be responsible individual. Having a job is a responsibility itself,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you need to finished your
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work
in order to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
of.
Did you mean "these"?
This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will be helpful to them in their future.

On the other hand
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact to the
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children
who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. One of the example are unable to focus on their studies. Education is one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
key to be successful in life. Although education is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are unfortunate to have that. Such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are working, they have limited time to focus on their studies.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result of poor performance in school. Another possible issue is, it can lead to child abuse.
For instance
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
countries
still
don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
law in protecting child labor.
For this reason
it can be opportunity to others to abuse the right of a child.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can benefit from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience, it can lead to child abuse and poor performance in school.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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