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Small businesses should avoid recruiting young woman who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young woman who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 1
Whether or not businesses should hire unmarried woman has been receiving endless public view. Although many think that companies can avoid maternity leave payment if they do not hire young females, i partly agree with such statement. However, there are still many benefits of recruiting young woman. There is a reason why recruiting young woman can adversly affect some businesses. First, some companies, especially those which low budgets, may run out of business if spending too much on maternity leave. This means, with a high amount of payment having to pay on woman leaving their job because of giving birth, companies may lose lots of profit and that they do not have much money left to invest on other beneficial sectors. For example, Australian companies said that they had to spend about six to nine months salary for maternity leave and claimed that it is hard to maintain their budget. On the other hand, there are several factors why young females can bring benefits to the companies. First, it cannot be denied that woman who do not have their own family have more time to spend on their work. This means they can work for longer hours and can cope with a heavy workload because they are not responsible for taking care after their children. Secondly, being young, unmarried woman are more productive and that they can come up with new or unique ideas. For instance, Harvard business professor argued that they are likely to hire young woman because they can work efficiently and that more than half of their woman employees are unmarried. To conclude, although recruiting young woman can create some potential downsides, I believe that there are some benefits that can be taken into consideration.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
should hire unmarried
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
has been receiving endless public view. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
can avoid maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
payment if they do not hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
females,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with such statement.
However
, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits of recruiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
woman.

There is a reason why recruiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
can
Possible spelling mistake found.
adversly
affect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
.
First
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
,
especially
those which low budgets, may run out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
if spending too much on maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
. This means, with a high amount of payment having to pay on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
leaving their job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of giving birth,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
may lose lots of profit and that they do not have much money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to invest on other beneficial sectors.
For example
, Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
said that they had to spend about six to nine months salary for maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
and claimed that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to maintain their budget.

On the other hand
, there are several factors why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
females can bring benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
First
, it cannot
be denied
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
who do not have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family have more time to spend on their work. This means they can work for longer hours and can cope with a heavy workload
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not responsible for taking care after their children.
Secondly
, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
, unmarried
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
are more productive and that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with new or unique
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
For instance
, Harvard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
professor argued that they are likely to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can work
efficiently
and that more than half of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
employees
are unmarried
.

To conclude
, although recruiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
potential downsides, I believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits that can
be taken
into consideration.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Small businesses should avoid recruiting young woman who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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