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Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v.8

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v. 8
Although paid work is thought by some to be a useful experience for children, other people consider that it can be detrimental. Children can learn about earning money and gain independence from doing paid work but there are also drawbacks to be taken into account. Firstly, one benefit of children doing paid work is that they understand the value of money. This also teaches them not to waste money as they realise the work needed to earn it. Secondly, having a paid job is advantageous because children take their first steps in learning how to manage and save money. Many older children, for instance, have a part time job in order to save up for something they would otherwise be unable to afford. Thirdly, working teaches children responsibility and independence. These skills help children to develop into self-supporting adults ready to enter society and the work force. On the other hand, one problem when children have a job is that it potentially exposes them to exploitation through slave labour. For example, in some developing countries children are made to work full time but due to their age are not protected by law. As a result, they are paid negligible wages for work that can be tough, manual work. Another possible issue is that the time children spend working prevents them from focusing on their school work. Having a good education is the key to a successful future so being employed as a child can result in a poor academic performance which can be harmful in the long run. In conclusion, while children can benefit from some work experience, it can also lead to exploitation or lower grades at school.
Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to be a useful experience for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that it can be detrimental.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
can learn about earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and gain independence from doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
drawbacks to
be taken
into account.

Firstly
, one benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is that they understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. This
also
teaches them not to waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as they
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
needed to earn it.
Secondly
, having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
job is advantageous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
take their
first
steps in learning how to manage and save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
for instance
, have a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
job in order to save up for something they would
otherwise
be unable to afford.
Thirdly
, working teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
responsibility and independence. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to develop into self-supporting adults ready to enter society and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
force.

On the other hand
, one problem when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a job is that it
potentially
exposes them to exploitation through slave
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are made
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to their age are not protected by law.
As a result
, they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
negligible wages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
that can be tough, manual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Another possible issue is that the time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
them from focusing on their school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education is the key to a successful future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
being employed
as a child can result in a poor academic performance which can be harmful in the long run.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can benefit from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience, it can
also
lead to exploitation or lower grades at school.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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