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Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.3

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3
It is a debated issue whether it is useful or disavantageous for the younger generation to partake in gainful employment. There are many pros and cons in allowing children engage in paid jobs. In my opinion, the drawbacks outweighs its benefits. Children are assumed to be in their formative stage and exposure to certain work environment is likely to be a threat to there upbringing. They mostly tend to live by what they see and learn from it. For instance, Letting a child work in liquor stores or bars, may eventually make the child start drinking at a young age. Therefore, when children are left to work for money, they may end up in places that are not safe for their development. Also, at an early stage, education should be a fundamental requirement of every child. All other things such as jobs should be secondary in a childs life. To clarify, times spent studying are crucial to every young child and prepares them to face the labour force. Finally, when kids start make money, they will have no proper knowledge of how well to spend or save their income. On the other hand, most people hold that kids should be left to take up paid jobs so as to help with family responsibilities. To illustrate, in third world Countries like Nigeria, kids are seen helping their parents with petty trading and street hawking. This is a way of assisting with finances in the family. In addition, most individuals believe that children working at a younger stage gives them a better insight of jobs to take up when they eventually grow up. For example, taking up a job at a tender age gives one prior knowledge and experience about the job. Therefore, they find it crucial that children start partaking in paid jobs to enable them make choices in future. To put in a nutshell, I pen down saying that children engaging in paid jobs have both benefits and drawbacks but the drawbacks outweigh the benfits.
It is a debated issue whether it is useful or
Possible spelling mistake found.
disavantageous
for the younger generation to partake in gainful employment. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pros and cons in allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. In my opinion, the drawbacks outweighs its benefits.

Children
are assumed
to be in their formative stage and exposure to certain work environment is likely to be a threat to there upbringing. They
mostly
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
by what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and learn from it.
For instance
, Letting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
work in liquor stores or bars, may
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
drinking at a young age.
Therefore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to work for money, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in places that are not safe for their development.
Also
, at an early stage, education should be a fundamental requirement of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. All other things such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
should be secondary in a
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "children", the plural form of the noun 'child'?
childs
life. To clarify, times spent studying are crucial to every young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
and prepares them to face the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force.
Finally
, when kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money, they will have no proper knowledge of how well to spend or save their income.

On the other hand
, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold that kids should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to take up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with family responsibilities. To illustrate, in third world Countries like Nigeria, kids are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
helping their parents with petty trading and street hawking. This is a way of assisting with finances in the family.
In addition
, most individuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
working at a younger stage gives them a better insight of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to take up when they
eventually
grow up.
For example
, taking up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at a tender age gives one prior knowledge and experience about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Therefore
, they find it crucial that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
partaking in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to enable them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
choices
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

To put in a nutshell, I pen down saying that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
have both benefits and drawbacks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the drawbacks outweigh the
Possible spelling mistake found.
benfits
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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