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Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v.2

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v. 2
People's opinions differ with regards to whether paid job is detrimental for young ones or not. Although being involved in this could make them independent financially and have a better understanding of money, but there are demerits as well that need to be considered. To start with, one of the pluses of children working is that it makes them free from parent's greed. That is to say, some parents do not cater for their offspring as they should and when these ones engage in jobs, and get wages, they are able to liberate themselves. Another advantage is that, earning money helps them to broaden their knowledge about cash. Consequently, they would not be spendthrifts, that is they would be prudent and not wasteful. Such children would not only gain this character, but also save for their future. However, the disadvantages are also noteworthy. Firstly, it exposes them to hardship. This is because employers are not emotional when business is concerned and would subject their employees irrespective of their ages to the existing working conditions. For instance, a 10years old boy working in a factory, would be made to do exactly what the adults that are present do as well and this would definitely be too much for them to bear. Secondly, such people might not do well academically. Since they would have to work after school, they would seldom have time for their academics and this would result in poor grades, which are not needed for their future. In conclusion, in spite of the merits of children working for money, the downsides which include exploitation and poor academic performances are to be put into consideration.
People
's opinions differ
with regards to
whether paid job is detrimental for young ones or not. Although
being involved
in this could
make
them independent
financially
and have a better understanding of money,
but
there are demerits
as well
that need to
be considered
.

To
start
with, one of the pluses of children
working
is that it
makes
them free from parent's greed.
That is
to say,
some
parents do not cater for their offspring as they should and when
these ones
engage in jobs, and
get
wages, they are able to liberate themselves. Another advantage is that, earning money
helps
them to broaden their knowledge about cash.
Consequently
, they would not be spendthrifts,
that is
they would be prudent and not wasteful. Such children would not
only
gain this character,
but
also
save for their future.

However
, the disadvantages are
also
noteworthy.
Firstly
, it exposes them to hardship. This is
because
employers are not emotional when business
is concerned
and would subject their employees irrespective of their ages to the existing
working
conditions.
For instance
, a 10years
old
boy
working
in a factory, would
be made
to do exactly what the adults that are present do
as well
and this would definitely be too much for them to bear.
Secondly
, such
people
might not do well
academically
. Since they would
have to
work after school, they would seldom have time for their academics and this would result in poor grades, which are not needed for their future.

In conclusion
,
in spite of
the merits of children
working
for money, the downsides which include exploitation and poor academic performances are to
be put
into consideration.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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